At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Quote by George Carlin
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George Carlin Quotes
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
My dad taught me from my youngest childhood memories through these connections with Aboriginal and tribal people that you must always protect people's sacred status, regardless of the pest.
Self confidence is the first requisite to great undertakings.
If you go and talk to most people, they mean well but they don't have much of a breadth on education, of knowledge of understanding what the real issues are and therefore they listen to pundits on television who tell them what they are supposed to think and they keep repeating that until pretty soon they say, 'Oh, well that must be true.'
I can't hit on women in public any more. I didn't decide this it just doesn't feel right at my age.
When I was 8 years old, I knew nothing about martial arts. The coach told me I was talented with learning martial arts, and put me in a school.
The heads of strong old age are beautiful beyond all grace of youth.
In the course of history, men come to see that iron necessity is neither iron nor necessary.
I love the freedom of movement that my phone gives me. That has definitely transformed my life.
Love isn't something you find. Love is something that finds you.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.