The Grand Question Debated: Poem Rhyme Scheme

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WHETHER HAMILTON'S BAWN SHOULD BE TURNED INTO A BARRACK OR MALT HOUSE	A
	B
	-
THE PREFACE TO THE ENGLISH EDITION	C
	-
The author of the following poem is said to be Dr J S D S P D who writ it as well as several other copies of verses of the like kind by way of amusement in the family of an honourable gentleman in the north of Ireland where he spent a summer about two or three years ago A certain very great person then in that kingdom having heard much of this poem obtained a copy from the gentleman or as some say the lady in whose house it was written from whence I know not by what accident several other copies were transcribed full of errors As I have a great respect for the supposed author I have procured a true copy of the poem the publication whereof can do him less injury than printing any of those incorrect ones which run about in manuscript and would infallibly be soon in the press if not thus prevented Some expressions being peculiar to Ireland I have prevailed on a gentleman of that kingdom to explain them and I have put the several explanations in their proper places First Edition	C
	-
	-
Thus spoke to my lady the knight full of care	D
Let me have your advice in a weighty affair	D
This Hamilton's bawn while it sticks in my hand	E
I lose by the house what I get by the land	E
But how to dispose of it to the best bidder	F
For a barrack or malt house we now must consider	F
First let me suppose I make it a malt house	A
Here I have computed the profit will fall t'us	G
There's nine hundred pounds for labour and grain	H
I increase it to twelve so three hundred remain	H
A handsome addition for wine and good cheer	I
Three dishes a day and three hogsheads a year	I
With a dozen large vessels my vault shall be stored	J
No little scrub joint shall come on my board	J
And you and the Dean no more shall combine	K
To stint me at night to one bottle of wine	K
Nor shall I for his humour permit you to purloin	L
A stone and a quarter of beef from my sir loin	L
If I make it a barrack the crown is my tenant	M
My dear I have ponder'd again and again on't	N
In poundage and drawbacks I lose half my rent	O
Whatever they give me I must be content	O
Or join with the court in every debate	P
And rather than that I would lose my estate	P
Thus ended the knight thus began his meek wife	Q
It must and it shall be a barrack my life	Q
I'm grown a mere mopus no company comes	R
But a rabble of tenants and rusty dull rums	R
With parsons what lady can keep herself clean	S
I'm all over daub'd when I sit by the Dean	S
But if you will give us a barrack my dear	I
The captain I'm sure will always come here	T
I then shall not value his deanship a straw	U
For the captain I warrant will keep him in awe	V
Or should he pretend to be brisk and alert	W
Will tell him that chaplains should not be so pert	W
That men of his coat should be minding their prayers	X
And not among ladies to give themselves airs	X
Thus argued my lady but argued in vain	H
The knight his opinion resolved to maintain	H
But Hannah who listen'd to all that was past	Y
And could not endure so vulgar a taste	Z
As soon as her ladyship call'd to be dress'd	A2
Cried Madam why surely my master's possess'd	A2
Sir Arthur the maltster how fine it will sound	B2
I'd rather the bawn were sunk under ground	B2
But madam I guess'd there would never come good	C2
When I saw him so often with Darby and Wood	C2
And now my dream's out for I was a dream'd	D2
That I saw a huge rat O dear how I scream'd	D2
And after methought I had lost my new shoes	E2
And Molly she said I should hear some ill news	E2
Dear Madam had you but the spirit to tease	F2
You might have a barrack whenever you please	F2
And madam I always believed you so stout	G2
That for twenty denials you would not give out	G2
If I had a husband like him I purtest	G2
Till he gave me my will I would give him no rest	G2
And rather than come in the same pair of sheets	H2
With such a cross man I would lie in the streets	H2
But madam I beg you contrive and invent	G2
And worry him out till he gives his consent	G2
Dear madam whene'er of a barrack I think	I2
An I were to be hang'd I can't sleep a wink	I2
For if a new crotchet comes into my brain	H
I can't get it out though I'd never so fain	H
I fancy already a barrack contrived	G2
At Hamilton's bawn and the troop is arrived	G2
Of this to be sure Sir Arthur has warning	J2
And waits on the captain betimes the next morning	J2
Now see when they meet how their honours behave	K2
'Noble captain your servant' 'Sir Arthur your slave	K2
You honour me much' 'The honour is mine '	-
''Twas a sad rainy night' 'But the morning is fine '	-
'Pray how does my lady ' 'My wife's at your service '	-
'I think I have seen her picture by Jervas '	-
'Good morrow good captain' 'I'll wait on you down'	H
'You shan't stir a foot' 'You'll think me a clown '	-
'For all the world captain not half an inch farther'	U
'You must be obey'd Your servant Sir Arthur	U
My humble respects to my lady unknown '	-
'I hope you will use my house as your own '	-
Go bring me my smock and leave off your prate	G2
Thou hast certainly gotten a cup in thy pate	G2
Pray madam be quiet what was it I said	G2
You had like to have put it quite out of my head	G2
Next day to be sure the captain will come	L2
At the head of his troop with trumpet and drum	L2
Now madam observe how he marches in state	G2
The man with the kettle drum enters the gate	G2
Dub dub adub dub The trumpeters follow	M2
Tantara tantara while all the boys holla	M2
See now comes the captain all daub'd with gold lace	N2
O la the sweet gentleman look in his face	N2
And see how he rides like a lord of the land	G2
With the fine flaming sword that he holds in his hand	G2
And his horse the dear creter it prances and rears	O2
With ribbons in knots at its tail and its ears	O2
At last comes the troop by word of command	G2
Drawn up in our court when the captain cries STAND	G2
Your ladyship lifts up the sash to be seen	H
For sure I had dizen'd you out like a queen	H
The captain to show he is proud of the favour	U
Looks up to your window and cocks up his beaver	U
His beaver is cock'd pray madam mark that	G2
For a captain of horse never takes off his hat	G2
Because he has never a hand that is idle	M2
For the right holds the sword and the left holds the bridle	M2
Then flourishes thrice his sword in the air	U
As a compliment due to a lady so fair	U
How I tremble to think of the blood it has spilt	G2
Then he lowers down the point and kisses the hilt	G2
Your ladyship smiles and thus you begin	H
'Pray captain be pleased to alight and walk in '	-
The captain salutes you with congee profound	G2
And your ladyship curtseys half way to the ground	G2
'Kit run to your master and bid him come to us	G
I'm sure he'll be proud of the honour you do us	G
And captain you'll do us the favour to stay	G2
And take a short dinner here with us to day	G2
You're heartily welcome but as for good cheer	U
You come in the very worst time of the year	U
If I had expected so worthy a guest '	-
'Lord madam your ladyship sure is in jest	G2
You banter me madam the kingdom must grant '	-
'You officers captain are so complaisant '	-
Hist hussey I think I hear somebody coming	J2
No madam 'tis only Sir Arthur a humming	J2
To shorten my tale for I hate a long story	U
The captain at dinner appears in his glory	U
The dean and the doctor have humbled their pride	G2
For the captain's entreated to sit by your side	G2
And because he's their betters you carve for him first	G2
The parsons for envy are ready to burst	G2
The servants amazed are scarce ever able	M2
To keep off their eyes as they wait at the table	M2
And Molly and I have thrust in our nose	P2
To peep at the captain in all his fine clo'es	P2
Dear madam be sure he's a fine spoken man	H
Do but hear on the clergy how glib his tongue ran	H
And 'madam ' says he 'if such dinners you give	Q2
You'll ne'er want for parsons as long as you live	R2
I ne'er knew a parson without a good nose	P2
But the devil's as welcome wherever he goes	P2
G d d n me they bid us reform and repent	G2
But z s by their looks they never keep Lent	G2
Mister curate for all your grave looks I'm afraid	G2
You cast a sheep's eye on her ladyship's maid	G2
I wish she would lend you her pretty white hand	G2
In mending your cassock and smoothing your band	G2
For the Dean was so shabby and look'd like a ninny	U
That the captain supposed he was curate to Jinny	U
'Whenever you see a cassock and gown	U
A hundred to one but it covers a clown	U
Observe how a parson comes into a room	S2
G d d n me he hobbles as bad as my groom	S2
A scholard when just from his college broke loose	P2
Can hardly tell how to cry bo to a goose	P2
Your Noveds and Bluturks and Omurs and stuff	T2
By G they don't signify this pinch of snuff	T2
To give a young gentleman right education	U
The army's the only good school in the nation	U
My schoolmaster call'd me a dunce and a fool	M2
But at cuffs I was always the cock of the school	M2
I never could take to my book for the blood o' me	U
And the puppy confess'd he expected no good o' me	U
He caught me one morning coquetting his wife	Q
But he maul'd me I ne'er was so maul'd in my life	Q
So I took to the road and what's very odd	G2
The first man I robb'd was a parson by G	U
Now madam you'll think it a strange thing to say	P2
But the sight of a book makes me sick to this day	P2
Never since I was born did I hear so much wit	G2
And madam I laugh'd till I thought I should split	G2
So then you look'd scornful and snift at the Dean	U
As who should say 'Now am I skinny and lean '	-
But he durst not so much as once open his lips	P2
And the doctor was plaguily down in the hips	P2
Thus merciless Hannah ran on in her talk	U2
Till she heard the Dean call Will your ladyship walk	U2
Her ladyship answers I'm just coming down	U
Then turning to Hannah and forcing a frown	U
Although it was plain in her heart she was glad	G2
Cried Hussey why sure the wench is gone mad	G2
How could these chimeras get into your brains	P2
Come hither and take this old gown for your pains	P2
But the Dean if this secret should come to his ears	P2
Will never have done with his gibes and his jeers	P2
For your life not a word of the matter I charge ye	U
Give me but a barrack a fig for the clergy	U

Jonathan Swift

The Grand Question Debated: Poem Rhyme Scheme and Analysis

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