The Beasts' Confession To The Priest, On Observing How Most Men Mistake Their Own Talents. 1732 Poem Rhyme Scheme

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Jonathan Swift

The Beasts' Confession To The Priest, On Observing How Most Men Mistake Their Own Talents. 1732 Poem Rhyme Scheme and Analysis

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PREFACE	A
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I have been long of opinion that there is not a more general and greater mistake or of worse consequences through the commerce of mankind than the wrong judgments they are apt to entertain of their own talents I knew a stuttering alderman in London a great frequenter of coffeehouses who when a fresh newspaper was brought in constantly seized it first and read it aloud to his brother citizens but in a manner as little intelligible to the standers by as to himself How many pretenders to learning expose themselves by choosing to discourse on those very parts of science wherewith they are least acquainted It is the same case in every other qualification By the multitude of those who deal in rhymes from half a sheet to twenty which come out every minute there must be at least five hundred poets in the city and suburbs of London half as many coffeehouse orators exclusive of the clergy forty thousand politicians and four thousand five hundred profound scholars not to mention the wits the railers the smart fellows and critics all as illiterate and impudent as a suburb whore What are we to think of the fine dressed sparks proud of their own personal deformities which appear the more hideous by the contrast of wearing scarlet and gold with what they call toupees on their heads and all the frippery of a modern beau to make a figure before women some of them with hump backs others hardly five feet high and every feature of their faces distorted I have seen many of these insipid pretenders entering into conversation with persons of learning constantly making the grossest blunders in every sentence without conveying one single idea fit for a rational creature to spend a thought on perpetually confounding all chronology and geography even of present times I compute that London hath eleven native fools of the beau and puppy kind for one among us in Dublin besides two thirds of ours transplanted thither who are now naturalized whereby that overgrown capital exceeds ours in the articles of dunces by forty to one and what is more to our farther mortification there is no one distinguished fool of Irish birth or education who makes any noise in that famous metropolis unless the London prints be very partial or defective whereas London is seldom without a dozen of their own educating who engross the vogue for half a winter together and are never heard of more but give place to a new set This has been the constant progress for at least thirty years past only allowing for the change of breed and fashion	B
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The poem is grounded upon the universal folly in mankind of mistaking their talents by which the author does a great honour to his own species almost equalling them with certain brutes wherein indeed he is too partial as he freely confesses and yet he has gone as low as he well could by specifying four animals the wolf the ass the swine and the ape all equally mischievous except the last who outdoes them in the article of cunning so great is the pride of man	C
	-
When beasts could speak the learned say	D
They still can do so every day	D
It seems they had religion then	E
As much as now we find in men	E
It happen'd when a plague broke out	F
Which therefore made them more devout	F
The king of brutes to make it plain	G
Of quadrupeds I only mean	H
By proclamation gave command	I
That every subject in the land	I
Should to the priest confess their sins	J
And thus the pious Wolf begins	J
Good father I must own with shame	K
That often I have been to blame	K
I must confess on Friday last	L
Wretch that I was I broke my fast	L
But I defy the basest tongue	M
To prove I did my neighbour wrong	N
Or ever went to seek my food	O
By rapine theft or thirst of blood	P
The Ass approaching next confess'd	Q
That in his heart he loved a jest	Q
A wag he was he needs must own	R
And could not let a dunce alone	R
Sometimes his friend he would not spare	S
And might perhaps be too severe	T
But yet the worst that could be said	U
He was a wit both born and bred	U
And if it be a sin and shame	K
Nature alone must bear the blame	K
One fault he has is sorry for't	V
His ears are half a foot too short	W
Which could he to the standard bring	X
He'd show his face before the king	X
Then for his voice there's none disputes	Y
That he's the nightingale of brutes	Y
The Swine with contrite heart allow'd	Z
His shape and beauty made him proud	Z
In diet was perhaps too nice	Y
But gluttony was ne'er his vice	Y
In every turn of life content	A2
And meekly took what fortune sent	A2
Inquire through all the parish round	B2
A better neighbour ne'er was found	B2
His vigilance might some displease	Y
'Tis true he hated sloth like pease	Y
The mimic Ape began his chatter	C2
How evil tongues his life bespatter	C2
Much of the censuring world complain'd	D2
Who said his gravity was feign'd	D2
Indeed the strictness of his morals	Y
Engaged him in a hundred quarrels	Y
He saw and he was grieved to see't	V
His zeal was sometimes indiscreet	E2
He found his virtues too severe	C2
For our corrupted times to bear	C2
Yet such a lewd licentious age	F2
Might well excuse a stoic's rage	F2
The Goat advanced with decent pace	Y
And first excused his youthful face	Y
Forgiveness begg'd that he appear'd	G2
'Twas Nature's fault without a beard	G2
'Tis true he was not much inclined	H2
To fondness for the female kind	H2
Not as his enemies object	I2
From chance or natural defect	I2
Not by his frigid constitution	B
But through a pious resolution	B
For he had made a holy vow	J2
Of Chastity as monks do now	J2
Which he resolved to keep for ever hence	Y
And strictly too as doth his reverence	Y
Apply the tale and you shall find	H2
How just it suits with human kind	H2
Some faults we own but can you guess	Y
Why virtue's carried to excess	Y
Wherewith our vanity endows us	Y
Though neither foe nor friend allows us	Y
The Lawyer swears you may rely on't	V
He never squeezed a needy client	K2
And this he makes his constant rule	L2
For which his brethren call him fool	L2
His conscience always was so nice	Y
He freely gave the poor advice	Y
By which he lost he may affirm	M2
A hundred fees last Easter term	M2
While others of the learned robe	N2
Would break the patience of a Job	O2
No pleader at the bar could match	P2
His diligence and quick dispatch	P2
Ne'er kept a cause he well may boast	Q2
Above a term or two at most	Q2
The cringing knave who seeks a place	Y
Without success thus tells his case	Y
Why should he longer mince the matter	C2
He fail'd because he could not flatter	C2
He had not learn'd to turn his coat	R2
Nor for a party give his vote	R2
His crime he quickly understood	S2
Too zealous for the nation's good	S2
He found the ministers resent it	T2
Yet could not for his heart repent it	T2
The Chaplain vows he cannot fawn	U2
Though it would raise him to the lawn	U2
He pass'd his hours among his books	Y
You find it in his meagre looks	Y
He might if he were worldly wise	Y
Preferment get and spare his eyes	Y
But owns he had a stubborn spirit	V2
That made him trust alone to merit	V2
Would rise by merit to promotion	B
Alas a mere chimeric notion	B
The Doctor if you will believe him	W2
Confess'd a sin and God forgive him	W2
Call'd up at midnight ran to save	X2
A blind old beggar from the grave	X2
But see how Satan spreads his snares	Y
He quite forgot to say his prayers	Y
He cannot help it for his heart	Y2
Sometimes to act the parson's part	Y2
Quotes from the Bible many a sentence	Y
That moves his patients to repentance	Y
And when his medicines do no good	S2
Supports their minds with heavenly food	O
At which however well intended	P
He hears the clergy are offended	P
And grown so bold behind his back	Z2
To call him hypocrite and quack	Z2
In his own church he keeps a seat	E2
Says grace before and after meat	E2
And calls without affecting airs	Y
His household twice a day to prayers	Y
He shuns apothecaries' shops	Y
And hates to cram the sick with slops	Y
He scorns to make his art a trade	A3
Nor bribes my lady's favourite maid	A3
Old nurse keepers would never hire	C2
To recommend him to the squire	C2
Which others whom he will not name	K
Have often practised to their shame	K
The Statesman tells you with a sneer	C2
His fault is to be too sincere	C2
And having no sinister ends	Y
Is apt to disoblige his friends	Y
The nation's good his master's glory	V
Without regard to Whig or Tory	V
Were all the schemes he had in view	B3
Yet he was seconded by few	B3
Though some had spread a thousand lies	Y
'Twas he defeated the excise	Y
'Twas known though he had borne aspersion	B
That standing troops were his aversion	B
His practice was in every station	B
To serve the king and please the nation	B
Though hard to find in every case	Y
The fittest man to fill a place	Y
His promises he ne'er forgot	C3
But took memorials on the spot	C3
His enemies for want of charity	V
Said he affected popularity	V
'Tis true the people understood	S2
That all he did was for their good	S2
Their kind affections he has tried	D3
No love is lost on either side	D3
He came to court with fortune clear	C2
Which now he runs out every year	C2
Must at the rate that he goes on	E3
Inevitably be undone	B
O if his majesty would please	Y
To give him but a writ of ease	Y
Would grant him license to retire	C2
As it has long been his desire	C2
By fair accounts it would be found	B2
He's poorer by ten thousand pound	B2
He owns and hopes it is no sin	F3
He ne'er was partial to his kin	F3
He thought it base for men in stations	Y
To crowd the court with their relations	Y
His country was his dearest mother	C2
And every virtuous man his brother	C2
Through modesty or awkward shame	K
For which he owns himself to blame	K
He found the wisest man he could	S2
Without respect to friends or blood	P
Nor ever acts on private views	Y
When he has liberty to choose	Y
The Sharper swore he hated play	D
Except to pass an hour away	D
And well he might for to his cost	G3
By want of skill he always lost	H3
He heard there was a club of cheats	Y
Who had contrived a thousand feats	Y
Could change the stock or cog a die	I3
And thus deceive the sharpest eye	I3
Nor wonder how his fortune sunk	J3
His brothers fleece him when he's drunk	J3
I own the moral not exact	K3
Besides the tale is false in fact	K3
And so absurd that could I raise up	L3
From fields Elysian fabling sop	M3
I would accuse him to his face	Y
For libelling the four foot race	Y
Creatures of every kind but ours	Y
Well comprehend their natural powers	Y
While we whom reason ought to sway	D
Mistake our talents every day	D
The Ass was never known so stupid	P
To act the part of Tray or Cupid	N3
Nor leaps upon his master's lap	O3
There to be stroked and fed with pap	O3
As sop would the world persuade	A3
He better understands his trade	A3
Nor comes whene'er his lady whistles	Y
But carries loads and feeds on thistles	Y
Our author's meaning I presume is	Y
A creature bipes et implumis	Y
Wherein the moralist design'd	H2
A compliment on human kind	H2
For here he owns that now and then	E
Beasts may degenerate into men	E