The Beasts' Confession Poem Rhyme Scheme

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Jonathan Swift

The Beasts' Confession Poem Rhyme Scheme and Analysis

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To the Priest on Observing how most Men mistake their own Talents	A
	-
When beasts could speak the learned say	B
They still can do so ev'ry day	B
It seems they had religion then	C
As much as now we find in men	C
It happen'd when a plague broke out	D
Which therefore made them more devout	D
The king of brutes to make it plain	E
Of quadrupeds I only mean	F
By proclamation gave command	G
That ev'ry subject in the land	G
Should to the priest confess their sins	H
And thus the pious wolf begins	H
	-
Good father I must own with shame	I
That often I have been to blame	I
I must confess on Friday last	J
Wretch that I was I broke my fast	J
But I defy the basest tongue	K
To prove I did my neighbour wrong	L
Or ever went to seek my food	M
By rapine theft or thirst of blood	N
	-
The ass approaching next confess'd	O
That in his heart he lov'd a jest	O
A wag he was he needs must own	P
And could not let a dunce alone	P
Sometimes his friend he would not spare	Q
And might perhaps be too severe	R
But yet the worst that could be said	S
He was a wit both born and bred	S
And if it be a sin or shame	I
Nature alone must bear the blame	I
One fault he hath is sorry for't	T
His ears are half a foot too short	U
Which could he to the standard bring	V
He'd show his face before the King	V
Then for his voice there's none disputes	W
That he's the nightingale of brutes	W
	-
The swine with contrite heart allow'd	X
His shape and beauty made him proud	X
In diet was perhaps too nice	W
But gluttony was ne'er his vice	W
In ev'ry turn of life content	Y
And meekly took what fortune sent	Y
Inquire through all the parish round	Z
A better neighbour ne'er was found	Z
His vigilance might some displease	W
'Tis true he hated sloth like peas	W
	-
The mimic ape began his chatter	A2
How evil tongues his life bespatter	A2
Much of the cens'ring world complain'd	B2
Who said his gravity was feign'd	B2
Indeed the strictness of his morals	W
Engag'd him in a hundred quarrels	W
He saw and he was griev'd to see't	T
His zeal was sometimes indiscreet	C2
He found his virtues too severe	A2
For our corrupted times to bear	A2
Yet such a lewd licentious age	D2
Might well excuse a Stoic's rage	D2
	-
The goat advanc'd with decent pace	W
And first excus'd his youthful face	W
Forgiveness begg'd that he appear'd	E2
'Twas nature's fault without a beard	E2
'Tis true he was not much inclin'd	F2
To fondness for the female kind	F2
Not as his enemies object	G2
From chance or natural defect	G2
Not by his frigid constitution	H2
But through a pious resolution	H2
For he had made a holy vow	I2
Of chastity as monks do now	I2
Which he resolv'd to keep for ever hence	W
As strictly too as doth his Reverence	W
	-
Apply the tale and you shall find	F2
How just it suits with human kind	F2
Some faults we own but can you guess	W
Why virtues carried to excess	W
Wherewith our vanity endows us	W
Though neither foe nor friend allows us	W
	-
The lawyer swears you may rely on't	T
He never squeez'd a needy client	J2
And this he makes his constant rule	K2
For which his brethren call him fool	K2
His conscience always was so nice	W
He freely gave the poor advice	W
By which he lost he may affirm	L2
A hundred fees last Easter term	L2
While others of the learned robe	M2
Would break the patience of a Job	N2
No pleader at the bar could match	O2
His diligence and quick dispatch	O2
Ne'er kept a cause he well may boast	P2
Above a term or two at most	P2
	-
The cringing knave who seeks a place	W
Without success thus tells his case	W
Why should he longer mince the matter	A2
He fail'd because he could not flatter	A2
He had not learn'd to turn his coat	Q2
Nor for a party give his vote	Q2
His crime he quickly understood	R2
Too zealous for the nation's good	R2
He found the ministers resent it	S2
Yet could not for his heart repent it	S2
	-
The chaplain vows he cannot fawn	T2
Though it would raise him to the lawn	T2
He pass'd his hours among his books	W
You find it in his meagre looks	W
He might if he were worldly wise	W
Preferment get and spare his eyes	W
But own'd he had a stubborn spirit	U2
That made him trust alone in merit	U2
Would rise by merit to promotion	H2
Alas a mere chimeric notion	H2
	-
The doctor if you will believe him	V2
Confess'd a sin and God forgive him	V2
Call'd up at midnight ran to save	W2
A blind old beggar from the grave	W2
But see how Satan spreads his snares	W
He quite forgot to say his prayers	W
He cannot help it for his heart	X2
Sometimes to act the parson's part	X2
Quotes from the Bible many a sentence	W
That moves his patients to repentance	W
And when his med'cines do no good	R2
Supports their minds with heav'nly food	M
At which however well intended	N
He hears the clergy are offended	N
And grown so bold behind his back	Y2
To call him hypocrite and quack	Y2
In his own church he keeps a seat	C2
Says grace before and after meat	C2
And calls without affecting airs	W
His household twice a day to prayers	W
He shuns apothecaries' shops	W
And hates to cram the sick with slops	W
He scorns to make his art a trade	Z2
Nor bribes my lady's fav'rite maid	Z2
Old nurse keepers would never hire	A2
To recommend him to the squire	A2
Which others whom he will not name	I
Have often practis'd to their shame	I
	-
The statesman tells you with a sneer	A2
His fault is to be too sincere	A2
And having no sinister ends	W
Is apt to disoblige his friends	W
The nation's good his master's glory	T
Without regard to Whig or Tory	T
Were all the schemes he had in view	A3
Yet he was seconded by few	A3
Though some had spread a hundred lies	W
'Twas he defeated the Excise	W
'Twas known though he had borne aspersion	H2
That standing troops were his aversion	H2
His practice was in ev'ry station	H2
To serve the King and please the nation	H2
Though hard to find in ev'ry case	W
The fittest man to fill a place	W
His promises he ne'er forgot	B3
But took memorials on the spot	B3
His enemies for want of charity	T
Said he affected popularity	T
'Tis true the people understood	R2
That all he did was for their good	R2
Their kind affections he has tried	C3
No love is lost on either side	C3
He came to Court with fortune clear	A2
Which now he runs out ev'ry year	A2
Must at the rate that he goes on	D3
Inevitably be undone	H2
Oh if his Majesty would please	W
To give him but a writ of ease	W
Would grant him licence to retire	A2
As it hath long been his desire	A2
By fair accounts it would be found	Z
He's poorer by ten thousand pound	Z
He owns and hopes it is no sin	E3
He ne'er was partial to his kin	E3
He thought it base for men in stations	W
To crowd the Court with their relations	W
His country was his dearest mother	A2
And ev'ry virtuous man his brother	A2
Through modesty or awkward shame	I
For which he owns himself to blame	I
He found the wisest man he could	R2
Without respect to friends or blood	N
Nor ever acts on private views	W
When he hath liberty to choose	W
	-
The sharper swore he hated play	B
Except to pass an hour away	B
And well he might for to his cost	F3
By want of skill he always lost	G3
He heard there was a club of cheats	W
Who had contriv'd a thousand feats	W
Could change the stock or cog a die	H3
And thus deceive the sharpest eye	H3
Nor wonder how his fortune sunk	I3
His brothers fleece him when he's drunk	I3
	-
I own the moral not exact	J3
Besides the tale is false in fact	J3
And so absurd that could I raise up	K3
From fields Elysian fabling Aesop	L3
I would accuse him to his face	W
For libelling the four foot race	W
Creatures of ev'ry kind but ours	W
Well comprehend their natural pow'rs	W
While we whom reason ought to sway	B
Mistake our talents ev'ry day	B
The ass was never known so stupid	N
To act the part of Tray or Cupid	M3
Nor leaps upon his master's lap	N3
There to be strok'd and fed with pap	N3
As Aesop would the world persuade	Z2
He better understands his trade	Z2
Nor comes whene'er his lady whistles	W
But carries loads and feeds on thistles	W
Our author's meaning I presume is	W
A creature bipes et implumis	W
Wherein the moralist design'd	F2
A compliment on human kind	F2
For here he owns that now and then	C
Beasts may degenerate into men	C