Agricultural Distress. - A Pastoral Report Poem Rhyme Scheme

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Thomas Hood

Agricultural Distress. - A Pastoral Report Poem Rhyme Scheme and Analysis

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One Sunday morning service done	A
'Mongst tombstones shining in the sun	A
A knot of bumpkins stood to chat	B
Of that and this and this and that	B
What people said of Polly Hatch	C
Which side had won the cricket match	C
And who was cotch'd and who was bowl'd	D
How barley beans and 'taters sold	D
What men could swallow at a meal	E
When Bumpstead Youths would ring a peal	E
And who was taken off to jail	F
And where they brew'd the strongest ale	F
At last this question they address	G
What's Agricultural Distress	G
	-
	-
HODGE	H
	-
For my peart it's a thought o' mine	I
It be the fancy farming line	I
Like yonder gemman him I mean	J
As took the Willa nigh the Green	J
And turn'd his cattle in the wheat	K
And gave his porkers hay to eat	K
And sent his footman up to town	L
To ax the Lonnon gentry down	L
To be so kind as make his hay	M
Exactly on St Swithin's day	M
With consequences you may guess	G
That's Hagricultural Distress	G
	-
	-
DICKON	L
	-
Last Monday morning Master Blogg	N
Com'd for to stick our bacon hog	N
But th' hog he cock'd a knowing eye	O
As if he twigg'd the reason why	O
And dodg'd and dodg'd 'un such a dance	P
He didn't give the noose a chance	P
So Master Blogg at last lays off	Q
And shams a rattle at the trough	Q
When swish in bolts our bacon hog	N
Atwixt the legs o' Master Blogg	N
And flops him down in all the muck	N
As hadn't been swept up by luck	N
Now that accordin' to my guess	G
Be Hagricultural Distress	G
	-
	-
GILES	R
	-
No that arn't it I tell 'ee flat	B
I'ze bring a worser case nor that	B
Last Friday week I takes a start	S
To Reading with our horse and cart	S
Well when I'ze set the 'taters down	L
I meets a crony at the Crown	L
And what betwixt the ale and Tom	T
It's dark afore I starts for home	U
So whipping hard by long and late	V
At last we reaches nigh the gate	V
And sure enough there Master stand	W
A lantern flaring in his hand	W
'Why Giles ' says he 'what's that 'un thear	X
Yond' chestnut horse bean't my bay mear	X
He bean't not worth a leg o' Bess '	-
There's Hagricultural Distress	G
	-
	-
HOB	Y
	-
That's nothin yet to Tom's mishap	Z
A gooing through the yard poor chap	Z
Only to fetch his milking pails	A2
When up he shies like head or tails	A2
Nor would the Bull let Tom a be	B2
Till he had toss'd the best o' three	B2
And there lies Tom with broken bones	C2
A surgeon's job for Doctor Jones	C2
Well Doctor Jones lays down the law	D2
'There's two crackt ribs besides a jaw	D2
Eat well ' says he 'stuff out your case	E2
For that will keep the ribs in place '	-
But how was Tom poor chap to chaw	D2
Seeing as how he'd broke his jaw	D2
That's summut to the pint yes yes	G
That's Hagricultural Distress	G
	-
	-
SIMON	L
	-
Well turn and turn about is fair	X
Tom's bad enough and so's the mare	X
But nothing to my load of hay	M
You see 'twas hard on quarter day	M
And cash was wanted for the rent	F2
So up to Lonnon I was sent	F2
To sell as prime a load of hay	M
As ever dried on summer's day	M
	-
Well standing in Whitechapel Road	G2
A chap comes up to buy my load	G2
And looks and looks about the cart	S
Pretending to be 'cute and smart	S
But no great judge as people say	M
'Cause why he never smelt the hay	M
Thinks I as he's a simple chap	Z
He'll give a simple price mayhap	Z
Such buyers comes but now and then	L
So slap I axes nine pun' ten	L
'That's dear ' says he and pretty quick	N
He taps his leathers with his stick	N
'Suppose ' says he 'we wet our clay	M
Just while we bargin 'bout the hay	M
So in we goes my chap and me	B2
He drinks to I and I to he	B2
At last says I a little gay	M
'It's time to talk about that hay '	-
'Nine pund ' says he 'and I'm your man	L
Live and let live for that's my plan '	-
'That's true ' says I 'but still I say	M
It's nine pun' ten for that 'ere hay '	-
And so we chaffers for a bit	H2
At long and last the odds we split	H2
And off he sets to show the way	M
Where up a yard I leaves the hay	M
Then from the pocket of his coat	I2
He pulls a book and picks a note	I2
'That's Ten ' says he 'I hope to pay	M
Tens upon tens for loads of hay '	-
'With all my heart and soon ' says I	O
And feeling for the change thereby	O
But all my shillings com'd to five	J2
Says he 'No matter man alive	J2
There's something in your honest phiz	M
I'd trust if twice the sum it is	M
You'll pay next time you come to town '	-
'As sure ' says I 'as corn is brown '	-
'All right ' says he Thinks I 'huzza	M
He's got no bargain of the hay '	-
	-
Well home I goes with empty cart	S
Whipping the horses pretty smart	S
And whistling ev'ry yard o' way	M
To think how well I'd sold the hay	M
And just cotch'd Master at his greens	M
And bacon or it might be beans	M
Which didn't taste the worse surely	B2
To hear his hay had gone so high	O
But lord when I laid down the note	I2
It stuck the victuals in his throat	I2
And chok'd him till his face all grew	X
Like pickling cabbage red and blue	X
With such big goggle eyes Ods nails	M
They seem'd a coming out like snails	M
'A note ' says he half mad with passion	L
'Why thou dom'd fool thou'st took a flash 'un '	-
Now wasn't that a pretty mess	M
That's Hagricultural Distress	M
	-
	-
COLIN	L
	-
Phoo phoo You're nothing near the thing	N
You only argy in a ring	N
'Cause why You never cares to look	N
Like me in any larned book	N
But schollards know the wrong and right	K2
Of every thing in black and white	K2
	-
Well Farming that's its common name	L2
And Agriculture be the same	L2
So put your Farming first and next	M2
Distress and there you have your text	M2
But here the question comes to press	M
What farming be and what's distress	M
Why farming is to plough and sow	M
Weed harrow harvest reap and mow	N2
Thrash winnow sell and buy and breed	O2
The proper stock to fat and feed	O2
Distress is want and pain and grief	P2
And sickness things as wants relief	P2
Thirst hunger age and cold severe	X
In short ax any overseer	X
Well now the logic for to chop	Z
Where's the distress about a crop	Z
	-
There's no distress in keeping sheep	Z
I likes to see 'em frisk and leap	Z
There's no distress in seeing swine	L
Grow up to pork and bacon fine	L
There's no distress in growing wheat	K
And grass for men or beasts to eat	K
And making of lean cattle fat	B
There's no distress of course in that	B
Then what remains But one thing more	X
And that's the Farming of the Poor	X
	-
	-
HODGE DICKON GILES HOB AND SIMON	L
	-
Yea aye surely for sartin yes	M
That's Hagricultural Distress	M