Tunbridge Wells Poem Rhyme Scheme

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At five this morn when Phoebus raised his head	A
From Thetis' lap I raised myself from bed	A
And mounting steed I trotted to the waters	B
The rendesvous of fools buffoons and praters	B
Cuckolds whores citizens their wives and daughters	B
	-
My squeamish stomach I with wine had bribed	C
To undertake the dose that was prescribed	C
But turning head a sudden curs d view	D
That innocent provision overthrew	D
And without drinking made me purge and spew	D
From coach and six a thing unweildy rolled	E
Whose lumber card more decently would hold	E
As wise as calf it looked as big as bully	F
But handled proves a mere Sir Nicholas Cully	F
A bawling fop a natural Nokes and yet	G
He dares to censure as if he had wit	H
To make him more ridiculous in spite	I
Nature contrived the fool should be a knight	I
Though he alone were dismal signt enough	J
His train contributed to set him off	K
All of his shape all of the selfsame stuff	J
No spleen or malice need on them be thrown	L
Nature has done the business of lampoon	M
And in their looks their characters has shown	L
	-
Endeavoring this irksome sight to balk	N
And a more irksome noise their silly talk	N
I silently slunk down t' th' Lower Walk	N
But often when one would Charibdis shun	O
Down upon Scilla 'tis one's fate to run	O
For here it was my curs d luck to find	P
As great a fop though of another kind	P
A tall stiff fool that walked in Spanish guise	B
The buckram puppet never stirred its eyes	B
But grave as owl it looked as woodcock wise	B
He scorns the empty talking of this mad age	Q
And speaks all proverbs sentences and adage	R
Can with as much solemnity buy eggs	B
As a cabal can talk of their intrigues	B
Master o' th' Ceremonies yet can dispense	B
With the formality of talking sense	B
	-
From hence unto the upper walk I ran	S
Where a new scene of foppery began	S
A tribe of curates priests canonical elves	B
Fit company for none besides themselves	B
Were got together Each his distemper told	E
Scurvy stone strangury some were so bold	E
To charge the spleen to be their misery	F
And on that wise disease brought infamy	F
But none had modesty enough t' complain	T
Their want of learning honesty and brain	T
The general diseases of that train	T
These call themselves ambassadors of heaven	O
And saucily pretend commissions given	O
But should an Indian king whose small command	U
Seldom extends beyond ten miles of land	U
Send forth such wretched tools in an ambassage	R
He'd find but small effects of such a message	R
Listening I found the cob of all this rabble	V
Pert Bays with his importance comfortable	V
He being raised to an archdeaconry	F
By trampling on religion liberty	F
Was grown to great and looked too fat and jolly	F
To be disturbed with care and melancholy	F
Though Marvell has enough exposed his folly	F
He drank to carry off some old remains	B
His lazy dull distemper left in 's veins	B
Let him drink on but 'tis not a whole flood	W
Can give sufficient sweetness to his blood	W
To make his nature of his manners good	X
	-
Next after these a fulsome Irish crew	F
Of silly Macs were offered to my view	F
The things did talk but th' hearing what they said	A
I did myself the kindness to evade	Y
Nature has placed these wretches beneath scorn	Z
They can't be called so vile as they are born	Z
brkAmidst the crowd next I myself conveyed	Y
For now were come whitewash and paint being laid	Y
Mother and daughter mistress and the maid	Y
And squire with wig and pantaloon displayed	Y
But ne'er could conventicle play or fair	F
For a true medley with this herd compare	F
Here lords knights squires ladies and countesses	B
Chandlers mum bacon women sempstresses	B
Were mixed together nor did they agree	F
More in their humors than their quality	F
	-
Here waiting for gallant young damsel stood	X
Leaning on cane and muffled up in hood	X
The would be wit whose business was to woo	F
With hat removed and solmn scrape of shoe	F
Advanceth bowing then genteelly shrugs	B
And ruffled foretop into order tugs	B
And thus accosts her Madam methinks the weather	F
Is grown much more serene since you came hither	F
You influence the heavens but should the sun	O
Withdraw himself to see his rays outdone	O
By your bright eyes they would supply the morn	Z
And make a day before the day be born	Z
With mouth screwed up conceited winking eyes	B
And breasts thrust forward Lord sir she replies	B
It is your goodness and not my deserts	B
Which makes you show this learning wit and parts	B
He puzzled butes his nail both to display	A2
The sparkling ring and think what next to say	A2
And thus breaks forth afresh Madam egad	X
Your luck at cards last night was very bad	X
At cribbage fifty nine and the next show	B2
To make the game and yet to want those two	F
God damn me madam I'm the son of a whore	F
If in my life I saw the like before	F
To peddler's stall he drags her and her breast	X
With hearts and such like foolish toys he dressed	X
And then more smartly to expound the riddle	V
Of all his prattle gives her a Scotch fiddle	V
	-
Tired with this dismal stuff away I ran	S
Where were two wives with girl just fit for man	S
Short breathed with pallid lips and visage wan	C2
Some curtsies past and the old compliment	X
Of being glad to see each other spent	X
With hand in hand they lovingly did walk	N
And one began thus to renew the talk	N
I pray good madam if it may be thought	X
No rudeness what cause was it hither brought	X
Your ladyship She soon replying smiled	X
We have a good estate but have no child	X
And I'm informed these wells will make a barren	O
Woman as fruitful as a cony warren	O
The first returned For this cause I am come	D2
For I can have no quietness at home	E2
My husband grumbles though we have got one	O
This poor young girl and mutters for a son	O
And this is grieved with headach pangs and throes	B
Is full sixteen and never yet had those	B
She soon replied Get her a husband madam	D2
I married at that age and ne'er had 'em	D2
Was just like her Steel waters let alone	L
A back of steel will bring 'em better down	F2
And ten to one but they themselves will try	F
The same means to increase their family	F
Poor foolish fribble who by subtlety	F
Of midwife truest friend to lechery	F
Persuaded art to be at pains and charge	R
To give thy wife occaision to enlarge	R
Thy silly head For here walk Cuff and Kick	G2
With brawny back and legs and potent prick	G2
Who more substantially will cure thy wife	H2
And on her half dead womb bestow new life	H2
From these the waters got the reputation	O
Of good assistants unto generation	O
	-
Some warlike men were now got into th' throng	I2
With hair tied back singing a bawdy song	I2
Not much afraid I got a nearer view	F
And 'twas my chance to know the dreadful crew	F
They were cadets that seldom can appear	F
Damned to the stint of thirty pounds a year	F
With hawk on fist or greyhound led in hand	X
The dogs and footboys sometimes they command	X
But now having trimmed a cast off spavined horse	B
With three hard pinched for guineas in their purse	B
Two rusty pistols scarf about the arse	B
Coat lined with red they here presume to swell	J2
This goes for captain that for colonel	V
So the Bear Garden ape on his steed mounted	X
No longer is a jackanapes accounted	X
But is by virtue of his trumpery then	K2
Called by the name of the young gentleman	O
	-
Bless me thought I what thing is man that thus	B
In all his shapes he is ridiculous	B
Ourselves with noise of reason we do please	B
In vain humanity's our worst disease	B
Thrice happy beasts are who because they be	F
Of reason void and so of foppery	F
Faith I was so ashamed that with remorse	B
I used the insolence to mount my horse	B
For he doing only things fit for his nature	F
Did seem to me by much the wiser creature	F

Lord John Wilmot

Tunbridge Wells Poem Rhyme Scheme and Analysis

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