Tunbridge Wells Poem Rhyme Scheme and Analysis

Rhyme Scheme: AABBB CCDDDEEFFGHIIJKJLML NNNOOPPBBBQRBBBB SSBBEEFFTTTOOUURRVVF FFFFBBWWX FFAYZZYYYYFFBBFF XXFFBBFFOOZZBBBBA2A2 XXB2FFFXXVV SSC2XXNNXXXXOOD2E2OO BBD2D2LF2FFFFRRG2G2H 2H2OO I2I2FFFFXXBBBJ2VXXK2 O BBBBFFBBFF

At five this morn when Phoebus raised his headA
From Thetis' lap I raised myself from bedA
And mounting steed I trotted to the watersB
The rendesvous of fools buffoons and pratersB
Cuckolds whores citizens their wives and daughtersB
-
My squeamish stomach I with wine had bribedC
To undertake the dose that was prescribedC
But turning head a sudden curs d viewD
That innocent provision overthrewD
And without drinking made me purge and spewD
From coach and six a thing unweildy rolledE
Whose lumber card more decently would holdE
As wise as calf it looked as big as bullyF
But handled proves a mere Sir Nicholas CullyF
A bawling fop a natural Nokes and yetG
He dares to censure as if he had witH
To make him more ridiculous in spiteI
Nature contrived the fool should be a knightI
Though he alone were dismal signt enoughJ
His train contributed to set him offK
All of his shape all of the selfsame stuffJ
No spleen or malice need on them be thrownL
Nature has done the business of lampoonM
And in their looks their characters has shownL
-
Endeavoring this irksome sight to balkN
And a more irksome noise their silly talkN
I silently slunk down t' th' Lower WalkN
But often when one would Charibdis shunO
Down upon Scilla 'tis one's fate to runO
For here it was my curs d luck to findP
As great a fop though of another kindP
A tall stiff fool that walked in Spanish guiseB
The buckram puppet never stirred its eyesB
But grave as owl it looked as woodcock wiseB
He scorns the empty talking of this mad ageQ
And speaks all proverbs sentences and adageR
Can with as much solemnity buy eggsB
As a cabal can talk of their intriguesB
Master o' th' Ceremonies yet can dispenseB
With the formality of talking senseB
-
From hence unto the upper walk I ranS
Where a new scene of foppery beganS
A tribe of curates priests canonical elvesB
Fit company for none besides themselvesB
Were got together Each his distemper toldE
Scurvy stone strangury some were so boldE
To charge the spleen to be their miseryF
And on that wise disease brought infamyF
But none had modesty enough t' complainT
Their want of learning honesty and brainT
The general diseases of that trainT
These call themselves ambassadors of heavenO
And saucily pretend commissions givenO
But should an Indian king whose small commandU
Seldom extends beyond ten miles of landU
Send forth such wretched tools in an ambassageR
He'd find but small effects of such a messageR
Listening I found the cob of all this rabbleV
Pert Bays with his importance comfortableV
He being raised to an archdeaconryF
By trampling on religion libertyF
Was grown to great and looked too fat and jollyF
To be disturbed with care and melancholyF
Though Marvell has enough exposed his follyF
He drank to carry off some old remainsB
His lazy dull distemper left in 's veinsB
Let him drink on but 'tis not a whole floodW
Can give sufficient sweetness to his bloodW
To make his nature of his manners goodX
-
Next after these a fulsome Irish crewF
Of silly Macs were offered to my viewF
The things did talk but th' hearing what they saidA
I did myself the kindness to evadeY
Nature has placed these wretches beneath scornZ
They can't be called so vile as they are bornZ
brkAmidst the crowd next I myself conveyedY
For now were come whitewash and paint being laidY
Mother and daughter mistress and the maidY
And squire with wig and pantaloon displayedY
But ne'er could conventicle play or fairF
For a true medley with this herd compareF
Here lords knights squires ladies and countessesB
Chandlers mum bacon women sempstressesB
Were mixed together nor did they agreeF
More in their humors than their qualityF
-
Here waiting for gallant young damsel stoodX
Leaning on cane and muffled up in hoodX
The would be wit whose business was to wooF
With hat removed and solmn scrape of shoeF
Advanceth bowing then genteelly shrugsB
And ruffled foretop into order tugsB
And thus accosts her Madam methinks the weatherF
Is grown much more serene since you came hitherF
You influence the heavens but should the sunO
Withdraw himself to see his rays outdoneO
By your bright eyes they would supply the mornZ
And make a day before the day be bornZ
With mouth screwed up conceited winking eyesB
And breasts thrust forward Lord sir she repliesB
It is your goodness and not my desertsB
Which makes you show this learning wit and partsB
He puzzled butes his nail both to displayA2
The sparkling ring and think what next to sayA2
And thus breaks forth afresh Madam egadX
Your luck at cards last night was very badX
At cribbage fifty nine and the next showB2
To make the game and yet to want those twoF
God damn me madam I'm the son of a whoreF
If in my life I saw the like beforeF
To peddler's stall he drags her and her breastX
With hearts and such like foolish toys he dressedX
And then more smartly to expound the riddleV
Of all his prattle gives her a Scotch fiddleV
-
Tired with this dismal stuff away I ranS
Where were two wives with girl just fit for manS
Short breathed with pallid lips and visage wanC2
Some curtsies past and the old complimentX
Of being glad to see each other spentX
With hand in hand they lovingly did walkN
And one began thus to renew the talkN
I pray good madam if it may be thoughtX
No rudeness what cause was it hither broughtX
Your ladyship She soon replying smiledX
We have a good estate but have no childX
And I'm informed these wells will make a barrenO
Woman as fruitful as a cony warrenO
The first returned For this cause I am comeD2
For I can have no quietness at homeE2
My husband grumbles though we have got oneO
This poor young girl and mutters for a sonO
And this is grieved with headach pangs and throesB
Is full sixteen and never yet had thoseB
She soon replied Get her a husband madamD2
I married at that age and ne'er had 'emD2
Was just like her Steel waters let aloneL
A back of steel will bring 'em better downF2
And ten to one but they themselves will tryF
The same means to increase their familyF
Poor foolish fribble who by subtletyF
Of midwife truest friend to lecheryF
Persuaded art to be at pains and chargeR
To give thy wife occaision to enlargeR
Thy silly head For here walk Cuff and KickG2
With brawny back and legs and potent prickG2
Who more substantially will cure thy wifeH2
And on her half dead womb bestow new lifeH2
From these the waters got the reputationO
Of good assistants unto generationO
-
Some warlike men were now got into th' throngI2
With hair tied back singing a bawdy songI2
Not much afraid I got a nearer viewF
And 'twas my chance to know the dreadful crewF
They were cadets that seldom can appearF
Damned to the stint of thirty pounds a yearF
With hawk on fist or greyhound led in handX
The dogs and footboys sometimes they commandX
But now having trimmed a cast off spavined horseB
With three hard pinched for guineas in their purseB
Two rusty pistols scarf about the arseB
Coat lined with red they here presume to swellJ2
This goes for captain that for colonelV
So the Bear Garden ape on his steed mountedX
No longer is a jackanapes accountedX
But is by virtue of his trumpery thenK2
Called by the name of the young gentlemanO
-
Bless me thought I what thing is man that thusB
In all his shapes he is ridiculousB
Ourselves with noise of reason we do pleaseB
In vain humanity's our worst diseaseB
Thrice happy beasts are who because they beF
Of reason void and so of fopperyF
Faith I was so ashamed that with remorseB
I used the insolence to mount my horseB
For he doing only things fit for his natureF
Did seem to me by much the wiser creatureF

Lord John Wilmot



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