The University Feud.[1] Poem Rhyme Scheme and Analysis

Rhyme Scheme: A BBCDDDC EEEFGGGF HHHIJJJI KKLLMMNNN OCNNPPPPNNPPFFNNNNQQ RREENNGGNNNN SSTTNNFFUUVVNNWWXXNN NN YYZZNNNNNNAANNA2B2C2 C2NN NNAANNHHNNNN YYD2D2NNJJCCNNNNNN

A plague o' both the houses MERCUTIOA
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As latterly I chanced to passB
A Public House from which alasB
The Arms of Oxford dangleC
My ear was startled by a dinD
That made me tremble in my skinD
A dreadful hubbub from withinD
Of voices in a wrangleC
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Voices loud and voices highE
With now and then a party cryE
Such as used in times gone byE
To scare the British borderF
When foes from North and South of TweedG
Neighbors and of Christian creedG
Met in hate to fight and bleedG
Upsetting Social OrderF
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Surprised I turn'd me to the crowdH
Attracted by that tumult loudH
And ask'd a gazer beetle brow'dH
The cause of such disquietI
When lo the solemn looking manJ
First shook his head on Burleigh's planJ
And then with fluent tongue beganJ
His version of the riotI
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A row why yes a pretty row you might hear from this to GarmanyK
And what is worse it's all got up among the Sons of HarmonyK
The more's the shame for them as used to be in time and tuneL
And all unite in chorus like the singing birds in JuneL
Ah many a pleasant chant I've heard in passing here alongM
When Swiveller was President a knocking down a songM
But Dick's resign'd the post you see and all them shouts and hollersN
Is 'cause two other candidates some sort of larned scholarsN
Are squabbling to be Chairman of the Glorious ApollersN
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Lord knows their names I'm sure I don't no more than any yokelO
But I never heard of either as connected with the vocalC
Nay some do say although of course the public rumor variesN
They've no more warble in 'em than a pair of hen canariesN
Though that might pass if they were dabs at t'other sort of thingP
For a man may make a song you know although he cannot singP
But lork it's many folk's belief they're only good at prosingP
For Catnach swears he never saw a verse of their composingP
And when a piece of poetry has stood its public trialsN
If pop'lar it gets printed off at once in Seven DialsN
And then about all sorts of streets by every little monkeyP
It's chanted like the Dog's Meat Man or If I had a DonkeyP
Whereas as Mr Catnach says and not a bad judge neitherF
No ballad worth a ha'penny has ever come from eitherF
And him as writ Jim Crow he says and got such lots of dollarsN
Would make a better Chairman for the Glorious ApollersN
Howsomever that's the meaning of the squabble that arousesN
This neighborhood and quite disturbs all decent Heads of HousesN
Who want to have their dinners and their parties as is reasonQ
In Christian peace and charity according to the seasonQ
But from Number Thirty Nine since this electioneering jobR
Ay as far as Number Ninety there's an everlasting mobR
Till the thing is quite a nuisance for no creature passes byE
But he gets a card a pamphlet or a summut in his eyeE
And a pretty noise there is what with canvassers and spoutersN
For in course each side is furnish'd with its backers and its toutersN
And surely among the Clergy to such pitches it is carriedG
You can hardly find a Parson to get buried or get marriedG
Or supposing any accident that suddenly alarmsN
If you're dying for a surgeon you must fetch him from the ArmsN
While the Schoolmasters and Tooters are neglecting of their scholarsN
To write about a Chairman for the Glorious ApollersN
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Well that sir is the racket and the more the sin and shameS
Of them that help to stir it up and propagate the sameS
Instead of vocal ditties and the social flowing cupT
But they'll be the House's ruin or the shutting of it upT
With their riots and their hubbubs like a garden full of bearsN
While they've damaged many articles and broken lots of squaresN
And kept their noble Club Room in a perfect dust and smotherF
By throwing Morning Heralds Times and Standards at each otherF
Not to name the ugly language Gemmen oughtn't to repeatU
And the names they call each other for I've heard 'em in the streetU
Such as Traitors Guys and Judasses and Vipers and what notV
For Pasley and his divers ain't so blowing up a lotV
And then such awful swearing for there's one of them that cussesN
Enough to shock the cads that hang on opposition 'bussesN
For he cusses every member that's agin him at the pollW
As I wouldn't cuss a donkey tho' it hasn't got a soulW
And he cusses all their families Jack Harry Bob or JimX
To the babby in the cradle if they don't agree with himX
Whereby altho' as yet they have not took to use their fivesN
Or according as the fashion is to sticking with their knivesN
I'm bound they'll be some milling yet and shakings by the collarsN
Afore they choose a Chairman for the Glorious ApollersN
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To be sure it is a pity to be blowing such a squallY
Instead of clouds and every man his song and then his callY
And as if there wasn't Whigs enough and Tories to fall outZ
Besides polities in plenty for our splits to be aboutZ
Why a cornfield is sufficient sir as anybody knowsN
For to furnish them in plenty who are fond of picking crowsN
Not to name the Maynooth Catholics and other Irish stewsN
To agitate society and loosen all its screwsN
And which all may be agreeable and proper to their spheresN
But it's not the thing for musicals to set us by the earsN
And as to College larning my opinion for to broachA
And I've had it from my cousin and he driv a college coachA
And so knows the University and all as there belongsN
And he says that Oxford's famouser for sausages than songsN
And seldom turns a poet out like Hudson that can chantA2
As well as make such ditties as the Free and Easies wantB2
Or other Tavern Melodists I can't just call to mindC2
But it's not the classic system for to propagate the kindC2
Whereby it so may happen as that neither of them ScholarsN
May be the proper Chairman for the Glorious ApollersN
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For my part in the matter if so be I had a voiceN
It's the best among the vocalists I'd honor with the choiceN
Or a Poet as could furnish a new Ballad to the bunchA
Or at any rate the surest hand at mixing of the punchA
'Cause why the members meet for that and other tuneful frolicsN
And not to say like Muffincaps their Catichiz and Collec'sN
But you see them there Itinerants that preach so long and loudH
And always takes advantage like the prigs of any crowdH
Have brought their jangling voices and as far as they can compassN
Have turn'd a tavern shindy to a seriouser rumpusN
And him as knows most hymns altho' I can't see how it follersN
They want to be the Chairman of the Glorious ApollersN
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Well that's the row and who can guess the upshot after allY
Whether Harmony will ever make the Arms her House of callY
Or whether this here mobbing as some longish heads foretell itD2
Will grow to such a riot that the Oxford Blues must quell itD2
Howsomever for the present there's no sign of any peaceN
For the hubbub keeps a growing and defies the New PoliceN
But if I was in the Vestry and a leading sort of ManJ
Or a Member of the Vocals to get backers for my planJ
Why I'd settle all the squabble in the twinkle of a needleC
For I'd have another candidate and that's the Parish BeadleC
Who makes such lots of Poetry himself or else by proxyN
And no one never has no doubts about his orthodoxyN
Whereby if folks was wise instead of either of them ScholarsN
And straining their own lungs along of contradictious hollersN
They'll lend their ears to reason and take my advice as follersN
Namely Bumble for the Chairman of the Glorious ApollersN

Thomas Hood



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