Craniology Poem Rhyme Scheme

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'Tis strange how like a very dunce	A
Man with his bumps upon his sconce	A
Has lived so long and yet no knowledge he	B
Has had till lately of Phrenology	C
A science that by simple dint of	D
Head combing he should find a hint of	D
When scratching o'er those little poll hills	A
The faculties throw up like mole hills	A
A science that in very spite	E
Of all his teeth ne'er came to light	E
For though he knew his skull had grinders	A
Still there turned up no organ finders	A
Still sages wrote and ages fled	F
And no man's head came in his head	F
Not even the pate of Erra Pater	G
Knew aught about its pia mater	G
	-
At last great Dr Gall bestirs him	H
I don't know but it might be Spurzheim	H
Tho' native of a dull and slow land	I
And makes partition of our Poll land	I
At our Acquisitiveness guesses	A
And all those necessary nesses	A
Indicative of human habits	A
All burrowing in the head like rabbits	A
Thus Veneration he made known	J
Had got a lodging at the Crown	K
And Music see Deville's example	L
A set of chambers in the Temple	L
That Language taught the tongues close by	M
And took in pupils thro' the eye	M
Close by his neighbor Computation	N
Who taught the eyebrows numeration	N
	-
The science thus to speak in fit	O
Terms having struggled from its nit	O
Was seized on by a swarm of Scotchmen	N
Those scientifical hotch potch men	N
Who have at least a penny dip	P
And wallop in all doctorship	P
Just as in making broth they smatter	G
By bobbing twenty things in water	G
These men I say made quick appliance	A
And close to phrenologic science	A
For of all learned themes whatever	G
That schools and colleges deliver	G
There's none they love so near the bodles	A
As analysing their own noddles	A
Thus in a trice each northern blockhead	F
Had got his fingers in his shock head	F
And of his bumps was babbling yet worse	A
Than poor Miss Capulet's dry wet nurse	A
Till having been sufficient rangers	A
Of their own heads they took to strangers'	A
And found in Presbyterians' polls	A
The things they hated in their souls	A
For Presbyterians hear with passion	N
Of organs joined with veneration	N
No kind there was of human pumpkin	N
But at its bumps it had a bumpkin	N
Down to the very lowest gullion	N
And oiliest skull of oily scullion	N
No great man died but this they did do	Q
They begged his cranium of his widow	R
No murderer died by law disaster	G
But they took off his sconce in plaster	G
For thereon they could show depending	S
The head and front of his offending	S
How that his philanthropic bump	P
Was mastered by a baser lump	P
For every bump these wags insist	T
Has its direct antagonist	U
Each striving stoutly to prevail	V
Like horses knotted tail to tail	V
And many a stiff and sturdy battle	L
Occurs between these adverse cattle	L
The secret cause beyond all question	N
Of aches ascribed to indigestion	N
Whereas 'tis but two knobby rivals	A
Tugging together like sheer devils	A
Till one gets mastery good or sinister	G
And comes in like a new prime minister	G
	-
Each bias in some master node is	A
What takes M'Adam where a road is	A
To hammer little pebbles less	A
His organ of Destructiveness	A
What makes great Joseph so encumber	G
Debate a lumping lump of Number	G
Or Malthas rail at babies so	R
The smallness of his Philopro	G
What severs man and wife a simple	L
Defect of the Adhesive pimple	L
Or makes weak women go astray	G
Their bumps are more in fault than they	G
	-
These facts being found and set in order	G
By grave M D 's beyond the Border	G
To make them for some months eternal	L
Were entered monthly in a journal	L
That many a northern sage still writes in	N
And throws his little Northern Lights in	N
And proves and proves about the phrenos	R
A great deal more than I or he knows	R
How Music suffers par exemple	L
By wearing tight hats round the temple	L
What ills great boxers have to fear	G
From blisters put behind the ear	G
And how a porter's Veneration	N
Is hurt by porter's occupation	N
Whether shillelaghs in reality	B
May deaden Individuality	B
Or tongs and poker be creative	W
Of alterations in th' Amative	W
If falls from scaffolds make us less	R
Inclined to all Constructiveness	R
With more such matters all applying	S
To heads and therefore head ifying	S

Thomas Hood

Craniology Poem Rhyme Scheme and Analysis

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