A True Story Poem Rhyme Scheme

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Thomas Hood

A True Story Poem Rhyme Scheme and Analysis

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Of all our pains since man was curst	A
I mean of body not the mental	B
To name the worst among the worst	A
The dental sure is transcendental	B
Some bit of masticating bone	C
That ought to help to clear a shelf	D
But lets its proper work alone	C
And only seems to gnaw itself	D
In fact of any grave attack	E
On victual there is little danger	F
'Tis so like coming to the rack	E
As well as going to the manger	F
	-
Old Hunks it seemed a fit retort	A
Of justice on his grinding ways	G
Possessed a grinder of the sort	A
That troubled all his latter days	G
The best of friends fall out and so	H
His teeth had done some years ago	H
Save some old stumps with ragged root	A
And they took turn about to shoot	A
If he drank any chilly liquor	F
They made it quite a point to throb	I
But if he warmed it on the hob	I
Why then they only twitched the quicker	F
	-
One tooth I wonder such a tooth	J
Had never killed him in his youth	J
One tooth he had with many fangs	K
That shot at once as many pangs	K
It had a universal sting	L
One touch of that ecstatic stump	M
Could jerk his limbs and make him jump	M
Just like a puppet on a string	L
And what was worse than all it had	A
A way of making others bad	A
There is as many know a knack	E
With certain farming undertakers	K
And this same tooth pursued their track	E
By adding achers still to achers	K
	-
One way there is that has been judged	A
A certain cure but Hunks was loth	N
To pay the fee and quite begrudged	A
To lose his tooth and money both	O
In fact a dentist and the wheel	P
Of Fortune are a kindred cast	A
For after all is drawn you feel	P
It's paying for a blank at last	A
So Hunks went on from week to week	Q
And kept his torment in his cheek	Q
Oh how it sometimes set him rocking	L
With that perpetual gnaw gnaw gnaw	R
His moans and groans were truly shocking	L
And loud altho' he held his jaw	R
Many a tug he gave his gum	S
And tooth but still it would not come	S
Tho' tied to string by some firm thing	L
He could not draw it do his best	A
By draw'rs altho' he tried a chest	A
	-
At last but after much debating	L
He joined a score of mouths in waiting	L
Like his to have their troubles out	A
Sad sight it was to look about	A
At twenty faces making faces	K
With many a rampant trick and antic	T
For all were very horrid cases	K
And made their owners nearly frantic	T
A little wicket now and then	U
Took one of these unhappy men	U
And out again the victim rushed	A
While eyes and mouth together gushed	A
At last arrived our hero's turn	V
Who plunged his hands in both his pockets	K
And down he sat prepared to learn	V
How teeth are charmed to quit their sockets	K
	-
Those who have felt such operations	K
Alone can guess the sort of ache	W
When his old tooth began to break	W
The thread of old associations	K
It touched a string in every part	A
It had so many tender ties	K
One cord seemed wrenching at his heart	A
And two were tugging at his eyes	K
Bone of his bone he felt of course	K
As husbands do in such divorce	K
At last the fangs gave way a little	B
Hunks gave his head a backward jerk	X
And lo the cause of all this work	X
Went where it used to send his victual	B
	-
The monstrous pain of this proceeding	L
Had not so numbed his miser wit	A
But in this slip he saw a hit	A
To save at least his purse from bleeding	L
So when the dentist sought his fees	K
Quoth Hunks Let's finish if you please	K
How finish why it's out Oh no	H
'Tis you are out to argue so	H
I'm none of your before hand tippers	K
My tooth is in my head no doubt	A
But as you say you pulled it out	A
Of course it's there between your nippers	K
Zounds sir d'ye think I'd sell the truth	J
To get a fee no wretch I scorn it	A
But Hunks still asked to see the tooth	J
And swore by gum he had not drawn it	A
	-
His end obtained he took his leave	Y
A secret chuckle in his sleeve	Y
The joke was worthy to produce one	Z
To think by favor of his wit	A
How well a dentist had been bit	A
By one old stump and that a loose one	Z
The thing was worth a laugh but mirth	A2
Is still the frailest thing on earth	A2
Alas how often when a joke	B2
Seems in our sleeve and safe enough	C2
There comes some unexpected stroke	B2
And hangs a weeper on the cuff	C2
	-
Hunks had not whistled half a mile	B
When planted right against a stile	B
There stood his foeman Mike Mahoney	D2
A vagrant reaper Irish born	E2
That helped to reap our miser's corn	E2
But had not helped to reap his money	D2
A fact that Hunks remembered quickly	D2
His whistle all at once was quelled	A
And when he saw how Michael held	A
His sickle he felt rather sickly	D2
	-
Nine souls in ten with half his fright	A
Would soon have paid the bill at sight	A
But misers let observers watch it	A
Will never part with their delight	A
Till well demanded by a hatchet	A
They live hard and they die to match it	A
Thus Hunks prepared for Mike's attacking	L
Resolved not yet to pay the debt	A
But let him take it out in hacking	L
However Mike began to stickle	B
In words before he used the sickle	B
But mercy was not long attendant	A
From words at last he took to blows	K
And aimed a cut at Hunks's nose	K
That made it what some folks are not	A
A member very independent	A
	-
Heaven knows how far this cruel trick	T
Might still have led but for a tramper	F
That came in danger's very nick	T
To put Mahoney to the scamper	F
But still compassion met a damper	F
There lay the severed nose alas	K
Beside the daisies on the grass	K
Wee crimson tipt as well as they	F2
According to the poet's lay	F2
And there stood Hunks no sight for laughter	F
Away went Hodge to get assistance	K
With nose in hand which Hunks ran after	F
But somewhat at unusual distance	K
In many a little country place	K
It is a very common case	K
To have but one residing doctor	F
Whose practice rather seems to be	D2
No practice but a rule of three	D2
Physician surgeon drug decoctor	D2
	-
Thus Hunks was forced to go once more	D2
Where he had ta'en his to t' before	D2
His mere name made the learned man hot	A
What Hunks again within my door	D2
I'll pull his nose quoth Hunks You cannot	A
The doctor looked and saw the case	K
Plain as the nose not on his face	K
Oh hum ha yes I understand	A
But then arose a long demur	D2
For not a finger would he stir	D2
Till he was paid his fee in hand	A
That matter settled there they were	D2
With Hunks well strapped upon his chair	D2
	-
The opening of a surgeon's job	I
His tools a chestful or a drawerful	F2
Are always something very awful	F2
And give the heart the strangest throb	I
But never patient in his funks	K
Looked half so like a ghost as Hunks	K
Or surgeon half so like a devil	F2
Prepared for some infernal revel	F2
His huge black eye kept rolling rolling	L
Just like a bolus in a box	K
His fury seemed above controlling	L
He bellowed like a hunted ox	K
Now swindling wretch I'll show thee how	G2
We treat such cheating knaves as thou	G2
Oh sweet is this revenge to sup	H2
I have thee by the nose it's now	G2
My turn and I will turn it up	H2
	-
Guess how the miser liked the scurvy	C2
And cruel way of venting passion	Z
The snubbing folks in this new fashion	Z
Seemed quite to turn him topsy turvy	C2
He uttered prayers and groans and curses	K
For things had often gone amiss	K
And wrong with him before but this	K
Would be the worst of all reverses	K
In fancy he beheld his snout	A
Turned upwards like a pitcher's spout	A
There was another grievance yet	A
And fancy did not fail to show it	A
That he must throw a summerset	A
Or stand upon his head to blow it	A
	-
And was there then no argument	A
To change the doctor's vile intent	A
And move his pity yes in truth	J
And that was paying for the tooth	J
Zounds pay for such a stump I'd rather	D2
But here the menace went no farther	D2
For with his other ways of pinching	L
Hunks had a miser's love of snuff	C2
A recollection strong enough	C2
To cause a very serious flinching	L
In short he paid and had the feature	D2
Replaced as it was meant by nature	D2
For tho' by this 'twas cold to handle	F2
No corpse's could have felt so horrid	A
And white just like an naked candle	F2
The doctor deemed and proved it too	A
That noses from the nose will do	A
As well as noses from the forehead	A
So fixed by din of rag and lint	A
The part was bandaged up and muffled	A
The chair unfastened Hunks rose	K
And shuffled off for once unshuffled	A
And as he went these words he snuffled	A
Well this is 'paying thro' the nose '	-