A True Story Poem Rhyme Scheme and Analysis

Rhyme Scheme: ABABCDCDEFEF AGAGHHAAFIIF JJKKLMMLAAEKEK ANAOPAPAQQLRLRSSLAA LLAAKTKTUUAAVKVK KWWKAKAKKKBXXB LAALKKHHKAAKJAJA YYZAAZA2A2B2C2B2C2 BBD2E2E2D2D2AAD2 AAAAAALALBBAKKAA TFTFFKKF2F2FKFKKKFD2 D2D2 D2D2AD2AKKAD2D2AD2D2 IF2F2IKKF2F2LKLKG2G2 H2G2H2 C2ZZC2KKKKAAAAAA AAJJD2D2LC2C2LD2D2F2 AF2AAAAAKAA

Of all our pains since man was curstA
I mean of body not the mentalB
To name the worst among the worstA
The dental sure is transcendentalB
Some bit of masticating boneC
That ought to help to clear a shelfD
But lets its proper work aloneC
And only seems to gnaw itselfD
In fact of any grave attackE
On victual there is little dangerF
'Tis so like coming to the rackE
As well as going to the mangerF
-
Old Hunks it seemed a fit retortA
Of justice on his grinding waysG
Possessed a grinder of the sortA
That troubled all his latter daysG
The best of friends fall out and soH
His teeth had done some years agoH
Save some old stumps with ragged rootA
And they took turn about to shootA
If he drank any chilly liquorF
They made it quite a point to throbI
But if he warmed it on the hobI
Why then they only twitched the quickerF
-
One tooth I wonder such a toothJ
Had never killed him in his youthJ
One tooth he had with many fangsK
That shot at once as many pangsK
It had a universal stingL
One touch of that ecstatic stumpM
Could jerk his limbs and make him jumpM
Just like a puppet on a stringL
And what was worse than all it hadA
A way of making others badA
There is as many know a knackE
With certain farming undertakersK
And this same tooth pursued their trackE
By adding achers still to achersK
-
One way there is that has been judgedA
A certain cure but Hunks was lothN
To pay the fee and quite begrudgedA
To lose his tooth and money bothO
In fact a dentist and the wheelP
Of Fortune are a kindred castA
For after all is drawn you feelP
It's paying for a blank at lastA
So Hunks went on from week to weekQ
And kept his torment in his cheekQ
Oh how it sometimes set him rockingL
With that perpetual gnaw gnaw gnawR
His moans and groans were truly shockingL
And loud altho' he held his jawR
Many a tug he gave his gumS
And tooth but still it would not comeS
Tho' tied to string by some firm thingL
He could not draw it do his bestA
By draw'rs altho' he tried a chestA
-
At last but after much debatingL
He joined a score of mouths in waitingL
Like his to have their troubles outA
Sad sight it was to look aboutA
At twenty faces making facesK
With many a rampant trick and anticT
For all were very horrid casesK
And made their owners nearly franticT
A little wicket now and thenU
Took one of these unhappy menU
And out again the victim rushedA
While eyes and mouth together gushedA
At last arrived our hero's turnV
Who plunged his hands in both his pocketsK
And down he sat prepared to learnV
How teeth are charmed to quit their socketsK
-
Those who have felt such operationsK
Alone can guess the sort of acheW
When his old tooth began to breakW
The thread of old associationsK
It touched a string in every partA
It had so many tender tiesK
One cord seemed wrenching at his heartA
And two were tugging at his eyesK
Bone of his bone he felt of courseK
As husbands do in such divorceK
At last the fangs gave way a littleB
Hunks gave his head a backward jerkX
And lo the cause of all this workX
Went where it used to send his victualB
-
The monstrous pain of this proceedingL
Had not so numbed his miser witA
But in this slip he saw a hitA
To save at least his purse from bleedingL
So when the dentist sought his feesK
Quoth Hunks Let's finish if you pleaseK
How finish why it's out Oh noH
'Tis you are out to argue soH
I'm none of your before hand tippersK
My tooth is in my head no doubtA
But as you say you pulled it outA
Of course it's there between your nippersK
Zounds sir d'ye think I'd sell the truthJ
To get a fee no wretch I scorn itA
But Hunks still asked to see the toothJ
And swore by gum he had not drawn itA
-
His end obtained he took his leaveY
A secret chuckle in his sleeveY
The joke was worthy to produce oneZ
To think by favor of his witA
How well a dentist had been bitA
By one old stump and that a loose oneZ
The thing was worth a laugh but mirthA2
Is still the frailest thing on earthA2
Alas how often when a jokeB2
Seems in our sleeve and safe enoughC2
There comes some unexpected strokeB2
And hangs a weeper on the cuffC2
-
Hunks had not whistled half a mileB
When planted right against a stileB
There stood his foeman Mike MahoneyD2
A vagrant reaper Irish bornE2
That helped to reap our miser's cornE2
But had not helped to reap his moneyD2
A fact that Hunks remembered quicklyD2
His whistle all at once was quelledA
And when he saw how Michael heldA
His sickle he felt rather sicklyD2
-
Nine souls in ten with half his frightA
Would soon have paid the bill at sightA
But misers let observers watch itA
Will never part with their delightA
Till well demanded by a hatchetA
They live hard and they die to match itA
Thus Hunks prepared for Mike's attackingL
Resolved not yet to pay the debtA
But let him take it out in hackingL
However Mike began to stickleB
In words before he used the sickleB
But mercy was not long attendantA
From words at last he took to blowsK
And aimed a cut at Hunks's noseK
That made it what some folks are notA
A member very independentA
-
Heaven knows how far this cruel trickT
Might still have led but for a tramperF
That came in danger's very nickT
To put Mahoney to the scamperF
But still compassion met a damperF
There lay the severed nose alasK
Beside the daisies on the grassK
Wee crimson tipt as well as theyF2
According to the poet's layF2
And there stood Hunks no sight for laughterF
Away went Hodge to get assistanceK
With nose in hand which Hunks ran afterF
But somewhat at unusual distanceK
In many a little country placeK
It is a very common caseK
To have but one residing doctorF
Whose practice rather seems to beD2
No practice but a rule of threeD2
Physician surgeon drug decoctorD2
-
Thus Hunks was forced to go once moreD2
Where he had ta'en his to t' beforeD2
His mere name made the learned man hotA
What Hunks again within my doorD2
I'll pull his nose quoth Hunks You cannotA
The doctor looked and saw the caseK
Plain as the nose not on his faceK
Oh hum ha yes I understandA
But then arose a long demurD2
For not a finger would he stirD2
Till he was paid his fee in handA
That matter settled there they wereD2
With Hunks well strapped upon his chairD2
-
The opening of a surgeon's jobI
His tools a chestful or a drawerfulF2
Are always something very awfulF2
And give the heart the strangest throbI
But never patient in his funksK
Looked half so like a ghost as HunksK
Or surgeon half so like a devilF2
Prepared for some infernal revelF2
His huge black eye kept rolling rollingL
Just like a bolus in a boxK
His fury seemed above controllingL
He bellowed like a hunted oxK
Now swindling wretch I'll show thee howG2
We treat such cheating knaves as thouG2
Oh sweet is this revenge to supH2
I have thee by the nose it's nowG2
My turn and I will turn it upH2
-
Guess how the miser liked the scurvyC2
And cruel way of venting passionZ
The snubbing folks in this new fashionZ
Seemed quite to turn him topsy turvyC2
He uttered prayers and groans and cursesK
For things had often gone amissK
And wrong with him before but thisK
Would be the worst of all reversesK
In fancy he beheld his snoutA
Turned upwards like a pitcher's spoutA
There was another grievance yetA
And fancy did not fail to show itA
That he must throw a summersetA
Or stand upon his head to blow itA
-
And was there then no argumentA
To change the doctor's vile intentA
And move his pity yes in truthJ
And that was paying for the toothJ
Zounds pay for such a stump I'd ratherD2
But here the menace went no fartherD2
For with his other ways of pinchingL
Hunks had a miser's love of snuffC2
A recollection strong enoughC2
To cause a very serious flinchingL
In short he paid and had the featureD2
Replaced as it was meant by natureD2
For tho' by this 'twas cold to handleF2
No corpse's could have felt so horridA
And white just like an naked candleF2
The doctor deemed and proved it tooA
That noses from the nose will doA
As well as noses from the foreheadA
So fixed by din of rag and lintA
The part was bandaged up and muffledA
The chair unfastened Hunks roseK
And shuffled off for once unshuffledA
And as he went these words he snuffledA
Well this is 'paying thro' the nose '-

Thomas Hood



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