It Was Never Mine To Begin With Poem Rhyme Scheme

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N. Khanyile

It Was Never Mine To Begin With Poem Rhyme Scheme and Analysis

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I know	A
I m very childish	B
	-
It took me a while to realise	C
that I live too much inside my own head	D
and because of that	E
I ve missed so much of the real world	F
	-
Now I truly understand	G
how self centred I can be	H
To the point where no one can really hurt me anymore	I
so I guess I learned to hurt myself instead	D
	-
Maybe I m wrong this time too	J
	-
Looking back at all the arguments	C
the misunderstandings	C
the nights we fought each other instead of the problem	K
I realise now	L
how easy it is to make mistakes unknowingly	H
when you believe everything you do is right	M
	-
And that was me	H
	-
Who could ever argue with me	H
After all	N
I was always right	M
	-
I know you know	A
I ve carried a lot of pain	O
And yes everyone suffers	C
but pain feels different when it is the only thing	P
you ve known for so long	Q
	-
Maybe that s why I convinced myself	R
I was heartless	C
	-
But the truth is	C
I have only ever experienced life as myself	R
I have never lived inside anyone else s wounds	C
	-
You must have wondered	S
Why must she always be the victim	K
Why can t she forgive	T
Why does pain always have the final word	S
	-
The truth is	C
I was hurting	P
	-
At first I gave you everything	P
I told you things	C
I had never said out loud before	I
	-
But you knew me	H
You knew my pride	U
	-
And sometimes when you tried to comfort me	H
I could see how badly you wanted to fix things	C
yet some wounds	C
cannot be loved away	V
	-
So no	A
you were never a failure	W
	-
I could never let you believe that	E
	-
I still remember	W
how your face would fall	N
every time tears escaped my eyes	C
after we made love	X
	-
I could never fully control them	Y
After all	N
I was human too	J
	-
And I remember how gently	H
you would pull me closer afterwards	C
holding me as though love alone	Z
could quiet the storm inside me	H
	-
Those moments were supposed to feel beautiful	A2
And maybe part of me wanted them to be	H
	-
You never forced me	H
You always asked	B2
You always waited for my answer	W
	-
I was the one	C2
who kept pretending I was okay	V
	-
And speaking about this still hurts	C
but I need to let it leave my body somehow	L
	-
I want to move on honestly	H
	-
When we broke up	D2
it looked like your fault	E2
But now I know	A
I was already searching for reasons to run	C2
	-
Maybe you were right when you said	D
only we could make each other happy	H
	-
I know I rarely spoke plainly	H
I hid myself behind metaphors	C
imaginary situations	C
unfinished sentences	C
	-
And I kept doing that	E
until the very end	F2
	-
After I left you	J
I tried to escape you too	J
	-
You know how I am	G2
I always find ways to outrun my own thoughts	C
	-
So I kept myself busy	H
I laughed	H2
I distracted myself	R
I pretended I was moving on	I2
faster than my heart really was	C
	-
And maybe that was selfish	B
	-
I found someone	C2
who reminded me of you	J
or maybe I only wanted to believe he did	J2
	-
I thought he understood me	H
forgetting that even I	K2
did not understand myself	R
	-
Looking back now	L
it feels cruel	A2
especially because he once knew you too	J
	-
I don t even know	A
what I was searching for	I
	-
And the worst part is	C
I realised later	W
that even he carried resentment toward you	J
	-
Luckily	H
I never went too deep	L2
Although I almost did	J2
	-
And when you saw me with those other guys	C
the guilt nearly consumed me	H
	-
I don t know why I still feel the need	M2
to explain myself to you	J
	-
They were asking me out yes	C
but none of them	Y
ever made me feel as safe as you did	J2
	-
And maybe that s why	K2
I m always searching for chances to run into you	J
even though seeing you terrifies me	H
	-
Because whenever you walk past me	H
a current rushes through my entire body	H
so sudden and violent	N2
that I feel like I might collapse beneath it	O2
	-
Maybe they call it butterflies	C
Maybe it s fear	P2
Maybe it s both	Q2
	-
I m still trying to figure that out myself	R
	-
I ve told you many things before	I
but never the things	C
I truly wanted to say	V
	-
So listen carefully	H
	-
I will always love you	J
But I also know the truth now	L
I will never change	R2
I will forever remain avoidant	O2
forever running	P
forever too much of a coward	O2
to stay when love asks me to be fully seen	S2
	-
Yes you tried to protect me	H
You were ready for forever	W
Ready for all of me	H
	-
But the truth is	C
I was never ready for that kind of love	X
	-
And I wish I had realised it	O2
before you fell too deeply into me	H
	-
Everything happened too fast	O2
	-
I never healed	O2
Not really	H
After that incident	O2
I gave up on life in ways	C
I never admitted out loud	O2
	-
I chose the shadows	C
and slowly turned them into a home	T2
	-
And for a long time	U2
you became my home too	O2
	-
Not a perfect one	C2
but a place I kept returning to anyway	V
	-
Maybe part of me still wants to	O2
	-
But I ve realised something painful	A2
I painted you with my suffering	P
until even you began forgetting yourself	R
	-
And your life without me	H
looked lighter	W
	-
Peaceful	A2
	-
I couldn t give you	O2
the one thing you truly wanted from me	H
peace	C
	-
So I knew	O2
I could never become your forever	W
	-
And because I loved you	O2
I could not keep you trapped	O2
inside the ruins of my unhealed life	V2
	-
Eventually	H
it would have destroyed you too	O2