I remarked that man is saddest, and his heart is filled with woe,
When he hasn-t any money, and his pants begin to go;
But I think I was mistaken, and there are many times I find
When you do not care a candle if your pants are gone behind;
For a fellow mostly loses all ambition, hope, and pride,
When-to put the matter mildly-he is bad in his inside.

Bobby Burns was down on toothache, and it troubled him no doubt;
But you know a man can always have a molar taken out,
And be all right then, excepting for the duller pain that comes
To the hollow that is lying like a gully in the gums.
But you can-t extract your innards-they must stay within your hide,
And you-ve got to moan and cuss it-when you-re bad in your inside.

You dunno what to take for it-you dunno what to do:
You are puzzled to remember what has disagreed with you,
You lie in all positions-there is none will give you ease;
And you think an aching stomach is the king of agonies.
You feel as though your innards in a double knot are tied,
While the devil ties it tighter-when you-re bad in your inside.

Then you send that boy-that Harry-and you tell him to be quick,
For a shilling-s worth of brandy, -for a person who is sick�.
You make him swear to hurry, and he goes off like a shot;
But you wait an hour and suffer, and the brandy cometh not;
Then you look out through the window, and you swear to bust his hide,
For the wretch is playing football, while you-re bad in your inside.

Then there-s mostly some old woman, with your aunt or mother, too,
And it-s really quite indecent how she cross-examines you.
She insists on giving physic, and will hear of no excuse;
And dilates upon your bowels till you wish her to the deuce.
You wish she-d go and leave you-let you be and let it slide,
And go about her business, when you-re bad in your inside.

But she-s come to see you through it, and she bustles in and out;
And she talks of private matters that she oughtn-t talk about.
She proceeds to pill and dose you, and she vows that you-ll be ill
Till you-ve swallowed every nostrum-castor oil, and draught and pill,
And you wish, good Lord! that she would pass across the Stygian tide,
And nurse the gory Devil, when he-s bad in his inside.

But the hag is interested, and she bustles out and in;
And in various disguises give you nauseous medicine.
Till she-s shifted all obstructions, and has soothed your keenest pain
(Though her remedies may leave you a much sicker man again);
But she-s done her best to help you, for her sympathy is wide,
And you-ll bless that same old woman when you-re right in your inside.