SUICIDE NOTE
Part 1
Because of my cross, I find this life a misery
Like every cast in this dramatic adventure
I feel there wouldn’t ever be road to happiness
Like my entire life is devoted to nothing,
But pain, hurt and loneliness.
Every day is a hopeless struggle,
Every breath a futile fight for survival.

Love is to me nothing, but a game of mockery
Victory is to me nothing, but an indefinite fantasy
I’m no one, but one four-walled with lost and misery
I’m nothing, but one four-walled without hope & vision
Hopelessness, anxiety and misery are the coins I got
As my labor’s wages.

If there is any understanding, I got better than the rest
Of you, it must be depression. I’m constantly depressed
Because everyone is a victor, but I’m a looser.
That’s the only thought that makes any sense to me
That becomes an only reason that gives me comfort.

I tried to win, but it never came to reality
My reality therefore, was to settle a looser
Hopeless looser – that’s the language
I learned without a teacher.

Moreover, like the rest of you in this adventure of misery
The drama has no end without this last episode
It’s framed the last-super, by every hopeless looser.
A misconceived solace that plunges loved ones into confusion & grief
Of course, life is instinctually valued by all of life’s creatures
Even a blade of grass or flower fights for the privilege of life
But that’s so irrelevant in the eyes of a doomed like me
Family members are typically consumed with guilt
Thinking that they somehow should have seen the sign
Howbeit, no one is at fault, but the voice of despair
No one is to be blamed, but the fantasy of infinite freedom.

Nonetheless, if only I gave chance to a little voice within
Perhaps, here comes rather a new opportunity for me
To prove that I could actually for once be called a victor.
What makes one victorious if not to conquer?
If that becomes my only accomplished mission
Let me conquer the voice of suicide
For the rest of man’s accomplishments, life is a requisite.

Oh, you merciless devil’s messenger!
Wouldn’t you for once permit me to think rightly?
My happiness, my joy, my pleasure seems infinite
On the shores of death – the orgasmic lure of suicide
You’re so appealing to my present predicaments
I find you recompense to my life-long agony
A sexual urge I couldn’t withstand, but by all means
Find a virgin that would be an object of my gratification.

Nay!
You’re nothing, but an enticing deceptive hypnotist
If only I could reconcile the fact, that what makes
Sex so irresistible is the fantasy of orgasmic pleasure;
But indeed a sensual fantasy I couldn’t easily put by.
If only my sense organs are still awake
When drawn by the wave currents of sexual urge;
By quick means, it must appertain to me that I got
An ocean of fatigue I would have to swim in the process
Complex health related consequences I would likely
Face afterwards. Perhaps, I would have stood firm and say no
To you vice, when it serves no purpose, but a blatant deed.

It’s you my suicide liquor I seek a better word-frame
You lethal hypnotist I called the ultimate recompense
You intercept all my visionary wind and hearing aids
Such that I hear nothing, but a single voice – voice of doom
The adoring lure of suicide and death

Yes, it so adores in all ramifications
Leaving behind life’s unending turbulence is such a peaceful repose
Rising above my sufferings and misery once and for all
It’s a distant musical rhythm I couldn’t wait any longer to behold

Part 2
No, no no, a therapist once rightly said to me;
Those enticing breezes are just her rhythmic antics
That’s nothing, but a deceptive hypnotism – evil game of the mind
It’s no rising above suffering, but descending into its bottomless pit
This isn’t a debate on religious teachings of Heaven and Hell
Because I too do not know, whether or not they truly exist
It’s rather, a reality that binds every unfulfilled destiny
It’s like a germinating seed that got abruptly truncated
It leaves the gardener in pain – a wish he never wasted his effort
The seed itself in life-long bondage – a wish it never existed
Because the body dies, but failure in terms of suicide remains
An irreversible history - that is the scar of suicide.

Let me say this to you my friend, he added
You aren’t alone in this monstrous undertaking; know you that
Many of us have had suicidal thoughts @some points in our lives
Feeling suicidal isn’t a character of defect, and it doesn’t mean
That you are crazy or weak. It only means that you have more
Pain than you can cope with right now. Pain of lost and despair
This pain seems overwhelming and permanent at the moment
But with time and support, you would overcome your problems
And the pain and suicidal feelings will pass unnoticed

Take these little steps, he urged me
Promise not to do anything right now,
Even though you’re in a lot of pain at the moment,
Give yourself some distance between thoughts and action
Like saying, ‘I will wait 24 hours and won’t do anything
Drastic during this time or perhaps wait the next one week’.
Don’t keep these suicidal feelings to yourself;
Talk to someone you trust, perhaps family member or friend
Tell the person exactly what you are telling yourself.
Yes everything, even how you plan to carry out the suicide
If it seems difficult to talk, write them down on a piece of paper
But by any means, let your feelings be known to another person.

This waiting moment is crucial my good friend,
It’s the turning point you can’t regain if misused
Stay away from alcohol and drugs, because love is right behind you
Just wait, wait, wait a moment and look back; the serene breeze
That flows behind is the ocean of thy breakthrough.

He was so damn correct!
Even on the brinks…right on the edge of no return
A little pause was the refuge I had waited for it years
The rain-cloud I thought was my darkest night, was rather
A Bank of glory, it ushered in the dew of triumph
Just a stare behind, I saw love standing with embrace
I was soaked in happiness and drenched with affection
Now I know that despair is indeed nothing, but mirage of misery
No one is strong enough, but one who withstand the lure of suicide
But I must say, there is no strength in suicide, but weakness.

Okey Nwande, May 19th, 2019.