When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
Quote by Steven Wright
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Steven Wright Quotes
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
There is no fulfillment in things whatsoever. And I think one of the reasons that depression reigns supreme amongst the rich and famous is some of them thought that maybe those things would bring them happiness. But what, in fact, does is having a cause, having a passion. And that's really what gives life's true meaning.
Cinema is still a very young art form with extraordinary techniques and very impressive special effects but sometimes it seems the soul has been taken out of things.
Learning is the beginning of wealth. Learning is the beginning of health. Learning is the beginning of spirituality. Searching and learning is where the miracle process all begins.
Look, all this is about is utilizing the rules of the Senate, using a majority of the senators, to make sure that we get health reform done. We cannot wait another day.
Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.
Love is a trap. When it appears, we see only its light, not its shadows.
Yes, Mother. I can see you are flawed. You have not hidden it. That is your greatest gift to me.
What I'm attempting to do is to show people that if I can spend some time with very dangerous spiders and snakes and scorpions, then maybe they'll feel different about the spiders and snakes they find around their areas. I don't need people to keep them as pets. I just like them to be respectful and see that everything in nature has its place.
There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them.
You do things when the opportunities come along. I've had periods in my life when I've had a bundle of ideas come along, and I've had long dry spells. If I get an idea next week, I'll do something. If not, I won't do a damn thing.