I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Quote by Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
I'm a history nut.
We learn wisdom from failure much more than from success. We often discover what will do, by finding out what will not do and probably he who never made a mistake never made a discovery.
Humor is richly rewarding to the person who employs it. It has some value in gaining and holding attention, but it has no persuasive value at all.
The definition of a modern approach to war is the acknowledgement of individual lives lost.
I'd like to believe an accumulation of experience has made me a sort of a grown-up person, so I can have judgment and taste and whatever.
Those who want to reap the benefits of this great nation must bear the fatigue of supporting it.
A free press can, of course, be good or bad, but, most certainly without freedom, the press will never be anything but bad.
Well, I'm not a member of the permanent political establishment, and I've learned quickly these last few days that if you're not a member in good standing of the Washington elite, then some in the media consider a candidate unqualified for that reason alone.
While President Bush likes to project an image of strength and courage, the real truth is that in the presence of his large financial contributors, he is a moral coward.
We try, we fail, we posture, we aspire, we pontificate - and then we age, shrink, die, and vanish.