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Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide he exposes himself.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.