Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

• I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
• With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
• With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
• My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
• I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
• I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
• I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
• I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
• I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
• I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.