When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
Steven Wright Quotes
- How young can you die of old age?
- I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
- For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
- I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
- I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
- I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
- I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
- I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
- I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
- A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.