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Steven Wright Quotes

How young can you die of old age?
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.