I've got too much respect for stand-ups to call myself one.

• I used to be good with kids, but as I get older, I'm grumpy and terrible with them. As for doing a gig at a 6-year old's birthday party, you couldn't pay me enough.
• I trained to be a priest - started to. I went to seminary school when I was 11. I wanted to be a priest, but when they told me I could never have sex, not even on my birthday, I changed my mind.
• You always hear people saying, 'I hope I'm not turning into my dad', but I'd be honoured if I became half as decent a bloke as he is.
• I came back from university thinking I knew all about politics and racism, not knowing my dad had been one of the youngest-serving Labour councillors in the town and had refused to work in South Africa years ago because of the situation there. And he's never mentioned it - you just find out. That's a real man to me. A sleeping lion.
• My work's never been accepted by my family, but it's something I'll always carry on with.
• I am a big fan of smelly cheeses but the rest of the family don't seem to be particularly keen on them.
• You can't be a proper comic unless you've been out on stage and felt the fear.
• It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.
• Comedy's so subjective, and if someone comes to watch, doesn't get it, doesn't find it funny, then fine.
• I've spent lots of time in London, I studied in London, I like London. It's just not my home.