I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

• My grandma's the most careful, safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car, and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot!
• If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.
• My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel. I don't know why there's this big rush to do this.
• I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.
• You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
• If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'
• I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument.
• For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.
• I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family.
• My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.