I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Quote by Steven Wright
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Steven Wright Quotes
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
How young can you die of old age?
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
It does kids no favors, and sets them up for a potential lifetime of poor health and social embarrassment, to excuse them from family meals of real food. Everyone benefits from healthy eating, but it is particularly crucial at the beginning of life.
No enterprise can exist for itself alone. It ministers to some great need, it performs some great service, not for itself, but for others or failing therein, it ceases to be profitable and ceases to exist.
It seems as if an age of genius must be succeeded by an age of endeavour riot and extravagance by cleanliness and hard work.
To sit in the shade on a fine day, and look upon verdure is the most perfect refreshment.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
I cannot imagine a God who rewards and punishes the objects of his creation and is but a reflection of human frailty.
People internalize, from the jail to student loan debt, to credit card debt, to unemployment to the whole collective. It manifests itself in many ways, in people's home lives, domestic stuff.
Art: If the object of poetry is, to make men, then poetry is the heir of prophecy.
Worry - a God, invisible but omnipotent. It steals the bloom from the cheek and lightness from the pulse it takes away the appetite, and turns the hair gray.
I like television. I still believe that television is the most powerful form of communication on Earth - I just hate what is being done with it.