I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Quote by Steven Wright
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Steven Wright quote
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Steven Wright Quotes
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Chronic malnutrition, or the lack of proper nutrition over time directly contributes to three times as many child deaths as food scarcity. Yet surprisingly, you don't really hear about this hidden crisis through the morning news, Twitter or headlines of major newspapers.
Like charity, I believe glamour should begin at home.
My mom is painfully sweet she's from Nebraska.
There is hardly such a thing as a war in which it makes no difference who wins. Nearly always one side stands more of less for progress, the other side more or less for reaction.
I am confident that nobody... will accuse me of selfishness if I ask to spend time, while I am still in good health, with my family, my friends and also with myself.
I don't think of all the misery but of the beauty that still remains.
People respond when you tell them there is a great future in front of you, you can leave your past behind.
The only real progress lies in learning to be wrong all alone.
You can close more business in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get people interested in you.
Thanks to television, for the first time the young are seeing history made before it is censored by their elders.