106. The Purist I give you now Professor Twist,
A conscientious scientist,Trustees exclaimed, "He never bungles!"
107. Common Cold Go hang yourself, you old M.D.!
You shall not sneer at me. Pick up your hat and stethoscope,
108. Portrait Of The Artist As A Prematurely Old Man It is common knowledge to every schoolboy and even every Bachelor of Arts,
That all sin is divided into two parts.One kind of sin is called a sin of commission, and that is very important,
109. Columbus Once upon a time there was an Italian,
And some people thought he was a rapscallion,But he wasn't offended,
110. Winter Complaint Now when I have a cold
I am careful with my cold, I consult a physician
111. Two Dogs Have I dog;
He wasn't big when we got him,He was littler than the dog we had.
112. The Parent Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore,
And that's what parents were created for.
113. So Does Everybody Else, Only Not So Much O all ye exorcizers come and exorcize now, and ye clergymen draw nigh and clerge, For I wish to be purged of an urge. It is an irksome urge, compounded of nettles and glue, And it is turning all my friends back into acquaintances, and all my acquaintances into people who look the other way when I heave into view. It is an indication that my mental buttery is butterless and my mental larder lardless, And it consists not of "Stop me if you've heard this one," but of "I know you've heard this one because I told it to you myself, but I'm going to tell it to you again regardless," Yes I fear I am living beyond my mental means. When I realize that it is not only anecdotes that I reiterate but what is far worse, summaries of radio programs and descriptions of caroons in newspapers and magazines. I want to resist but I cannot resist recounting the bright sayins of celebrities that everybody already is familiar with every word of; I want to refrain but cannot refrain from telling the same audience on two successive evenings the same little snatches of domestic gossip about people I used to know that they have never heard of. When I remember some titlating episode of my childhood I figure that if it's worth narrating once it's worth narrating twice, in spite of lackluster eyes and dropping jaws, And indeed I have now worked my way backward from titllating episodes in my own childhood to titillating episodes in the childhood of my parents or even my parents-in-laws, And what really turns my corpuscles to ice, I carry around clippings and read them to people twice. And I know what I am doing while I am doing it and I don't want to do it but I can't help doing it and I am just another Ancient Mariner, And the prospects for my future social life couldn't possibly be barrener. Did I tell you that the prospects for my future social life couldn't be barrener?
115. Oh To Be Odd! Hypochondriacs
Spend the winter at the bottom of Florida and the summer on top of the Adirondriacs.
116. The Centipede I objurgate the centipede,
A bug we do not really need. At sleepy-time he beats a path
117. à Bas Ben Adhem My fellow man I do not care for.
I often ask me, What's he there for?The only answer I can find
118. The Cow The cow is of the bovine ilk;
One end is moo, the other, milk.
119. Listen... There is a knocking in the skull,
An endless silent shoutOf something beating on a wall,
120. The Terrible People People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it,
And I wish I could afford to gather all such people into a gloomy castle on the Danube and hire half a dozen capable Draculas to haunt it. I dont' mind their having a lot of money, and I don't care how they employ it,
121. The Turtle The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
Which practically conceal its sex. I think it clever of the turtle
We swing ungirded hips,
And lightened are our eyes,
The rain is on our lips,
We do not run for prize.
We know not whom we trust
Nor whitherward we fare,
But we run because we must
Through the great wide air.
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