I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

• Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
• In Hollywood you can see things at night that are fast enough to be in the Olympics in the day time.
• A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth.
• If you ever injected truth into politics you have no politics.
• You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you in a new way.
• I have a scheme for stopping war. It's this - no nation is allowed to enter a war till they have paid for the last one.
• Diplomats are just as essential to starting a war as soldiers are for finishing it... You take diplomacy out of war, and the thing would fall flat in a week.
• Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week.
• The United States never lost a war or won a conference.
• Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.