The three most important parts a man has are, briefly, his private parts, his money and his religious beliefs.

• The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
• Man is the only animal that laughs and has a state legislature.
• Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.
• All philosophies, if you ride them, are nonsense, but some are greater nonsense than others.
• The course of true anything does not run smooth.
• All progress is based on a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income.
• All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income.
• Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
• If we attend continually and promptly to the little that we can do, we shall ere long be surprised to find how little remains that we cannot do.
• Truth is generally kindness, but where the two diverge and collide, kindness should override truth.