In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative fight, flee - or laugh.

• I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.
• Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
• To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
• Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success.
• Quit worrying about your health. It will go away.
• Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
• Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
• Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
• Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.
• A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.