Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

• Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
• I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
• I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
• I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
• Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
• I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
• I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
• Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
• My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
• A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.