Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

• It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
• Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.
• You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'
• When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business I have to humiliate myself.
• The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.
• I love being a dad. I just love it.
• Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.
• There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
• A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
• It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.