I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

• Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
• I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
• My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
• I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
• My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?
• If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
• If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
• This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
• I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
• What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.