I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'

• Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.
• Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
• A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
• Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.
• Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
• Never have more children than you have car windows.
• Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
• Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
• My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
• Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.