The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

• Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.
• It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.
• Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
• We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
• Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.
• The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.
• The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.
• Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.
• I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.
• The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.