Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have five children, my only hope is that they are all out of the house before I die.

• Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.
• The heart of marriage is memories and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns, then your marriage is a gift from the gods.
• Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.
• Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each generation repeats the mistakes the previous one made.
• Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework.
• I cannot understand how the education of this United States of America has been fooled time and time again. Either make it separate but equal or integrate, therefore it will be equal. And it has been separate and unequal.
• In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.
• I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
• If you have no faith, you've lost your battle.
• The first-born in every family is always dreaming for an imaginary older brother or sister who will look out for them.